


It's hard to be brave when you're alone in the dark

by jaeyoonijagi



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, SF9 - Freeform, anxiety attack, emetophobia warning, kpop, not sure how to rate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2018-12-03 14:05:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11533788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyoonijagi/pseuds/jaeyoonijagi
Summary: It's never "just a diet".





	1. you were the best thing, ever happened to me

**Author's Note:**

> THIS STORY MIGHT BE TRIGGERING  
> It's a fanfic about bulimia (aka binging and purging) which I'm writing while in the binging part myself haha  
> Despite there being different types of bulimia, this fic focuses on the vomiting type. 
> 
> The first chapter will be about Taeyang getting into bad eating habits and restriction which is where it started for me and the upcoming chapters (not sure how many yet but about 3-4 maybe?) will be where bulimia comes into the picture. 
> 
> Anyways, more importantly, if you or someone you know suffer from an eating disoder or disordered eating habits, know that help is available and you're not alone.
> 
> Title is from Nightmares by All Time Low, however this is no songfic. 
> 
> ALSO I'd like to apologize if any 'z' are missing because the 'z' on my computer isn't working properly.

Taeyang loved hearing he was talented. Obviously, hearing you're good at something is always nice but after all the hard work he had to go through to get where he is, he definitely deserved it. He was in a group with eight other talented people who fought for their spots and they all had that something about them that was special when it didn't come to singing, rapping or dancing.   
Youngbin always knows how to handle whatever situation they were put in without doubting and led the team like a true leader.  
Inseong is just...too nice to be real, he was also the greatest listener who took care of all his younger members.   
Juho is the greatest support, whenever any member would experience some less good thoughts, he would ensure them they did their best and nothing else would be needed.  
Sanghyuk and Jaeyoon are daily entertainment who constantly kept the mood good even if something rough happened.   
Youngkyun and Chanhee are young and refreshing, with them in company you don't forget to have fun doing hat you do.   
Then there's Seokwoo. Sweet, sweet Seokwoo. The guy with the looks out of this world, who could come of as cold but was the most humble guy Taeyang ever met. Seokwoo who also happened to be Taeyang's lover of two years, who Taeyang felt he wasn't good enough for. 

Because he felt like he lacked that extra something, he decided to aim to become the golden member of the group. The member every group sort of have hidden who is simply good at everything. BTS' Jungkook, Fiestar's Yezi, GOT7's Jinyoung and BLACKPINK's Jennie to name some. That's what he wanted to be; the golden member, the group's hidden card.

He decided to start with his diet. They already had strict diets where they couldn't eat certain things or more than a certain amount but if he wanted to stand out, he'd have to do more work than their agency did. Instead of having some of Seokwoo's way-too-delicious ramen for breakfast, he went for an apple and sat on the counter a few feet away from the stove where Seokwoo fixed the last bit of what he prepared. The members dropped in one after one and left as quickly to swap places with each other since they only had two bathrooms with showers where you could prepare. Seokwoo turned off the stove and put the pan in the sink and went to stand between Taeyang's legs, hands softly caressing the younger's thighs. Despite Taeyang's effort to look taller by straghtening his back, Seokwoo could almost tower over him if he wanted to.   
"That's not really a breakfast, sunshine."  
"I'm not hungry."  
"If you say so. I trust you."  
Seokwoo kissed the other's forehead softly before leaving the kitchen to get ready. Yeah, Taeyang definitely had to work harder in order to keep Seokwoo. 

Light headed. That described Taeyang pretty well as their first three hours of dance practice finished. He wanted to hate the feeling but something about your body feeling as if it's dead was very addictive. He felt as if he had actually done something.   
"Take a snack break and drink some water. We'll do the whole routine once again."  
Taeyang wanted to groan out loud but kept his annoyance to himself. He didn't have the energy to do this but he refused to eat. He needed to lose weight first.  
Seokwoo came and sat beside him and offered him a cracker, which he politely turned down.  
"Why aren't you eating properly?"  
"I am."  
"It takes an idiot not to notice and I am not an idiot."  
"Chill out, I don't stuff my face like usual and you're all over me!", Taeyang snapped and stood up, not daring to look back at the older. He regretted his words as soon as they left his lips but he wasn't sure how to apologize.  
"Everyone, get into your positions!"  
The others didn't seem to have noticed their little quarrel but it affected Seokwoo, who messed up from time to time from staring at his younger boyfriend.   
"Seokwoo! Pay attention!", Youngbin snapped at him.  
"Sorry everyone, I have a lot on my mind."  
A choir of 'it is okay' echoed through the room before they took it easier and helped each other out. Before they knew it, it was time to go back to the dorm for a few hours of sleep.   
"Youngbin-hyung? Can I stay here for an hour?", Taeyang asked while the others were making their way out.   
"Are you sure you can? You look like you're about to faint."  
"I can."  
Youngbin gave him a reassuring smile. "Just don't overwork yourself."  
"I won't!"  
As on que, Seokwoo came up to him, letting his arm rest on the younger's shoulders. "You coming?"  
"I'll stay for a while."  
"No."  
Taeyang snapped his eyes up to meet the other's.  
"Yes, that's my decision."  
"Your body needs rest, and you barely ate anything during the whole day. Practicing some more is the least you should do."  
"I can do whatever I want to, that's none of your business!"  
"Oh, my boyfriend overworking himself and not eating is not my problem?! Sorry, mister, I didn't mean to worry about you!"  
And with that Seokwoo left, visibly upset about their fight.   
Taeyang sighed. Why did he always fuck up?

He ended up practicing for two hours instead, taking out his frustration on his own body by working it past its limits. When he was done, he could barely move his body.   
'Might as well shower here.'  
The company offered all artists to shower there and gave them lockers to use if they wanted. Using them or not, everyone had their own personal locker. He went to the company's shower room and got ready to get rid of all sweat of hard work. When getting dressed in an extra pair of clothes he had in his locker, he took a moment to stare into the mirror that leaned against the wall across from him.   
His abs were fading a little from having not worked out in the gym for a good two weeks but his body was still toned from all the dancing. It wasn't enough.   
"Fuck, why can't I be a little skinnier?", he whispered to himself. "If I keep going like this I'll be single soon. Seokwoo deserves better."  
The lack of sleep combined with exhaustion and overall emotional rollercoaster he'd been on was enough to leave him sobbing on the floor in front of the full-length mirror, his reflection seemingly laughing at how pathetic he was. He didn't mean to spend the night crying in a changing room but it happened. He knew he'd be in trouble when he came back but what was there to do now?  
Thankfully their dorm was not far from the company building, it was only a ten minute walk away. He dragged his tired body the whole time and after what felt like an eternity, he found himself in front of their dorm door. Because having nine keys wouldn't be clever, they had a code lock instead.   
When he entered the dorm it was already 4:42. Falling on his bed has never felt better and he found himself fast asleep only a few minutes later.

Later the same morning, he was woken up by Sanghyuk yelling some random thing no one understood at the top of his lungs. Looking towards the bedside clock, he noticed how he only slept for a little more than one and a half hour. Today would be hell.  
He could hear how someone was making their breakfast in the kitchen and made an assumption that it was Seokwoo. He made his way there and was greeted by the sight of the taller's back. He closed his eyes and let his arms hug the older's waist, head resting on the broad shoulderblades, inhaling the lovely, natural scent of Seokwoo.   
"I'm sorry."  
Seokwoo froze. "Taeyang?"  
"I never meant to snap at you."  
Seokwoo didn't say anything and finished whatever he was cooking, Taeyang was not interested in what since he didn't plan on eating it anyway. When he was done, he turned around and was about to hug the younger but something about his appearance got in the way. Seokwoo grabbed the other's arm to get himself out of the grip, instead holding the hands in his own.   
"How long have you been sleeping for?"  
Taeyang couldn't take the other's stern expression, turning his gaze towards the floor.  
"I-i...A few hours."  
"As in how many? Because I stayed up for almost three extra hours waiting and you didn't show up."  
"I got home around 4:30."  
Seokwoo let go of his hands and Taeyang saw his feet move back and fourth, pacing around the small floor.  
"I can't believe you. Youngbin told me you said an hour, not six!"  
"I-I'm sorry."  
"I don't want to hear it."  
Taeyang felt tears well up. He knew it was his own fault but the usually loving and caring Seokwoo was being so cold and he couldn't take it.   
For once Seokwoo didn't care that Taeyang didn't eat.

They were divided into "sub-units." according to their ages, the three oldest, Youngbin, Inseong and Jaeyoon were one team, Sanghyuk, Juho and Seokwoo one, Taeyang, Youngkyun and Chanhee one.   
They would take turns practicing rap, vocals and dancing. They may not all have those positions but their company thought it would be a good idea for them all to know a little bit of all.   
Taeyang knew it was impossible but he wanted to beat everyone in every aspect. What would be the thing with being a triple treat if everyone in the group was?  
During their break before switching from rap to vocal, Taeyang found himself in the bathroom. He stood by one of the sinks and faced himself, pointing out every single flaw he could see. After having enough of his own face, he exited the bathroom at the same time as Seokwoo entered, causing them to collide.  
"Sorry.", Seokwoo muttered and made his way past the other.  
"Seokwoo-hyung, please."  
"What?"  
"Stop...acting like this."  
"Oh, I'm the one acting strange? My bad!"  
Taeyan turned around and walked out without looking back, missing Seokwoo's facial expression that turned guilty as soon as the other walked out. 

Evening rolled by slowly and soon enough they were allowed to leave earlier. Taeyang decided to stay again while the others went home to eat.   
'You are not hungry. You are not hungry. You are not hungry.'  
The thought repeated itself in his head as his stomach kept rumbling.   
"I will just buy something small.", he told himself and went to the convenience store beside the company to buy something small, something low calorie. Before he could stop himself he found himself picking out snack after snack, letting his cravings get the best of him. He payed for everything and went back to the practice room. Package after package was opened as he kept eating and eating. He couldn't help it. He was already feeling full but kept going with no control. When he was all out of food, he layed down on the floor. Guilt started eating him.   
'Great, now you will gain so much weight, you fatass.'  
He gathered all packages and wrappers and went to throw them away. He could feel the familiar sensation of food rising up his throat and ran to the bathroom, barely making it in time to throw up in the toilet. He sat down on the floor, head pounding and legs shaking, finally coming down from the adrenaline rush he got from the act. He put the lid down and flushed the toilet, the water clearing the same way his guilt did. He wasn't 100% guilt free, but vomiting made him feel slightly better.   
Exiting the stall, the first thing he saw was Seokwoo leaning against one of the walls in the bathroom.   
"You didn't tell me you were sick."  
Taeyang didn't answer and went to rinsde his mouth, wanting nothing but to get rid of the awful taste that reminded him of what he just did.  
"Why are you here?"  
"Didn't want you to stay here all night again."  
Taeyang wasn't sure what to reply with so he stood and stared down at the sink. Seokwoo took this as his chance to walk up to the younger, standing behind him.   
"Come home with me."  
"I'm not done practicing."  
"Yes, you are. You're sick."  
"I just ate something bad."  
"I haven't seen you eat anything since the apple yesterday morning."  
'If you knew.'  
"Which bring me to next question. For someone who haven't eaten, you threw up a lot. That's very unlikely, so mind explaining yourself?"  
"I went to the store."  
"There's something you're not telling me."  
"No, let's go home."

It wasn't very late but anyone would take their chance to get some extra sleep if they could. Taeyang brushed his teeth and undressed to shower. His eyes fell on the scale under the sink and he brought it out. He inhaled deeply before stepping on it.  
63,4 kilograms.   
'That is way too much. I will have to work harder.'  
He stepped into the shower and let the warm water clean his skin. The sound of the bathroom door opening startled him. Dang, he forgot to lock it.   
"Calm down, it's just me."  
Taeyang could breahe out but felt anxious knowing Seokwoo was there. He didn't want to show his body.   
"Do you mind if I shower with you? It'll go faster."  
"N-no, I don't mind."  
When Seokwoo stepped in, Taeyang made sure he was turned with his back towards the older. His heart almost dropped when the older's arms wrapped around his waist and his lips came in contact with his ear.   
"I've missed you."  
Taeyang put his hands on top of the other's, unsure of whether he should remove them or not. If the arms around his waist and the lips against his ear was enough to make his heart drop, his heart was about to beat out of his chest when the arms started stroking his sides and the lips wandered down his neck, something hard pressing against his butt as well.   
"Seokwoo."  
The hands were about to reach the lower part of his hips when he came back to his senses and grabbed the wandering hands.   
"Seokwoo-hyung."  
"Let me take care of you."  
And who was Taeyang to turn the older down?

An hour later he found himself with his back against Seokwoo's chest, the warmth of the older and the blanket keeping his muscles calm. Seokwoo didn't seem disgusted with his body, or he was just too needy. Taeyang prayed it was the first alternative but he was sure it was the second.   
"Are you awake?"  
"Yeah."  
Taeyang turned around to face the older.  
"I'm sorry."  
"I know. I am too."  
Taeyang leaned in and kissed Seokwoo's lips. He pulled back abruptly when he remembered the previous incident.   
"Sorry, I didn't mean to. Now you'll fall sick too."  
"I'm sure you're not sick, Taeyang. In the shower you seemed pretty well and you haven't vomited since."  
Seokwoo kissed the younger's forehead and let his hand guide Taeyang's head to his chest.   
"Sleep."

He woke up the next morning to someone stroking his cheek. He opened his eyes to find Seokwoo staring at him with a soft smile.   
"Good morning, sunshine."  
"What time is it?"  
"Almost one in the afternoon."  
Taeyang sat up quickly.   
"We're late! Why didn't you wake me?"  
"Calm down, we're both allowed a free day. I just told them you're sick and they wanted me to stay home watching over you."  
Taeyang layed back down.  
"We should get something to eat."  
"I want to sleep."  
"We'll sleep after."  
Taeyang forced himself to follow Seokwoo to the kitchen. He didn't bother putting on any other clothes than what he wore to bed which was a pair of boxer shorts and one of Seokwoo's plain black shirts, which reached his mid-thigh due to Seokwoo being a couple of inches taller. Seokwoo was just wearing underwear, Taeyang openly admiring the other's toned body.  
"Enjoy what you see?"  
"Very much so."  
Taeyang missed this. They had been so tense with each other, constantly fighting. Having their relationship back to the way it used to felt amazing.   
When Seokwoo was done, he put a pot of kimchijjigae on the table and brought out two spoons. He felt plates or bowls would be a waste of dishes since it was only the two of them, eating straight from the pot being better.  
Taeyang was nervous. He knew he couldn't escape and he was sure Seokwoo expected him to eat half too, which was way too much in his opinion. Seokwoo took his spoon and tasted it. Taeyang mimicked him and as soon as the taste touched his taste buds he felt like  moaning over how good it tasted.  
"Good?"  
"Heavenly."  
He ate a few more spoons before putting the utensil down, deciding he was done.  
"Please eat a little more."  
"I'm full."  
"It was just nine spoons of a not-so-filling dish."  
Seokwoo brought his own spoon to the other's lips, Taeyang battling whether he should or shouldn't eat it.   
"Come on, baby, it's just a spoon."  
He ate it. Not the spoon, but the food on it. Seokwoo put the spoon down and pulled Taeyang in for a side hug.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Nothing's wrong. Can we sleep some more?"  
"Sure."

The next time Taeyang stepped on a scale he had only lost two kilograms and felt dissatisfied with the results. There had been days were he fasted for almost 48 hours, or ate only small snacks throughout the day but it was all to no avail. His weight was stuck.   
Therefore he went to a local medical center and bought some diet pills since he googled some ways to lose weight. He didn't bother reading about the consequences, as long as the numbers would drop, he'd be fine.   
As soon as he got home he popped two pills in his mouth and downed them with water, before making sure to hide the pills underneath his pillow. No one would know.

Taeyang planned the next day carefully. Usually he didn't spend the whole day with Seokwoo since Seokwoo focused more on singing and Taeyang focused on dancing. Therefore their schedule had been different where as Taeyang started earlier and worked for way longer and it made it easier to have a fast day. The others weren't aware of his attitude towards food so he assumed he hid is pretty well.   
He was currently in the dance studio with Youngkyun and Chanhee, lunch coming closer and closer. Taeyang felt more and more anxious with each second passing, he had a feeling something would go bad.   
They decided to eat in the room since they were spending the whole day there anyways. Youngkyun and Chanhee brought cup noodles, the most healthy food obviously, but Taeyang didn't blame them, he probably would've done the same. Noodles were actually a forbidden food for them while promoting but they figured working half an hour extra would be worth it.   
"Hyung, aren't you hungry?"  
"Nope."  
"But you didn't eat breakfast either."  
Taeyang began to feel warm as his anxiety levels rose to the point where his lungs started to give in. He wanted nothing but to escape the situation, already knowing what was about to happen.  
"Why aren't you eating?  
"I do eat Chanhee, I'm just not hungry at the moment."  
Youngkyun and Chanhee faced each other, not too young to realize something was wrong, both with his eating patterns but also with how he behaved now.   
"Taste?", Youngkyun offered and Taeyang declined.  
"Are you okay?", Chanhee asked worriedly.   
"F-fine."  
But against his will he could feel tears well up and before he knew it, his eyes were filled to the brim where tears started to fall freely, without him being able to stop them.  
"Hyung, what's wrong?"  
"Do you want us to get Seokwoo?"  
"No! I just need a moment."  
He got up and ran to the bathroom, running into Juho on the way.  
"Oh, Taeyang, why the rus-what's wrong?"  
"It's nothing."  
"Sounds legit. You must be upset over something."  
He was feeling as if his lungs were on fire form not breathing correctly.   
Juho guided him to the bathroom and went with him to sit between his legs.   
"Taeyangie, look at me."  
Taeyang tried but felt ashamed and tried to look away.   
"You're having an anxiety - or panic attack. I will need you to copy my breathing, okay? Does that sound like something you can do at the moment?"  
Taeyang nodded weakly.   
"A deep breath in. Hold it for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. And out. Let's do the same until you got your lungs under control."  
Taeyang felt thankful he had someone like Juho in his life. If he wasn't here now, who knows what would have happened?  
He was exhausted as soon as it was over, almost ten minutes later. He let his head fall forward, hitting Juho's shoulder.  
"You did great. I'm proud of you."  
"Thank you for being here, hyung."  
"Of course. Are you fit for practice of do you need some rest?"  
"I can go back."  
But as soon as he started stood up from the toilet seat, a wave of dizziness hit him and he felt about to faint. If it wasn't for Juho, he was sure he would've collapsed on the floor that moment. Juho sat him down again and went to get him some water.  
"Taeyang?"  
"Yeah?"  
"When was the last time you ate something?"  
Taeyang froze. "Ehm...yesterday night."  
"Are you sure? You were just about to faint."  
"I'm sure."  
"But that's also way too long ago. Why aren't you eating properly?"  
"Don't be silly. I am eating."  
Juho didn't answer. Something was definitely wrong with Taeyang.

As soon as he got home he headed straight to bed, only greeting the others on the way. He closed his eyes, about to sleep when when someone entered the room.  
"Honey?"  
He opened his eyes and faced Seokwoo.   
"Juho told me what happened. He's worried and so are Youngkyun and Chanhee."  
"Everything's fine, they don't need to worry."  
Seokwoo sat on the bed and put his hand on Taeyang's head, stroking his hair softly.   
"I'm worried too."  
"It's nothing."  
He closed his eyes, feeling himself drift further and further away from reality.   
"I'll apologize tomorrow."  
He felt a kiss being placed on top of his head and smiled softly.

He woke up to Seokwoo shaking him. He looked to the bedside to check the time, he managed to get two hours of sleep.   
"What is it?"  
"We want to talk to you."  
"Who are we?"  
He followed Seokwoo to the kitchen were all members but the two youngest were gathered.   
"What's going on?"  
"Have a seat."  
He sat down, Seokwoo sitting beside him on one side and Inseong on the other.   
"Youngkyun and Chanhee came to me earlier and told me you're not eating properly. Juho can confirm it too and so can Seokwoo.", Youngbin started.   
Taeyang's heart stopped beating.   
"T-that's not true."  
Noticing the younger's dispair, Seokwoo grabbed his hand and stroke the upper part with his thumb.   
"The more I think about it, the more likely it sounds. I haven't seen you eat for quite some time.", Inseong commented and stroke his thigh comfortingly.   
"I do. I was just having a fast!"  
"For what reason? Our diet is already trash, where as if it wasn't for Seokwoo we wouldn't be getting everything the body needs. Why would you fast?", Sanghyuk questioned. Taeyang was not used to him being so serious and it freaked him out a little.   
"I wanted to.", he muttered.   
"We decided we need to do something before it gets out of hand and therefore the whole group will spend every single meal together.", the leader announced.   
Taeyang felt like crying. He didn't want this, he was already stuck on the same number. The last thing he needed was to increase his intake.   
"I don't want to."  
"Sorry sunshine, it's for your own best.", Jaeyoon said and stood up, ready to leave, Inseong following his actions closely with his eyes.   
"Get some good rest everyone. We have a long day tomorrow."


	2. there's nothing to explain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having the others know was not the plan but neither was quitting now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote 2k words on a chapter a day or two after the first was published but I somehow managed to delete *double face palm*.  
> Anyways, it's been a while and I shouldn't have waited such a long time before starting over, but better late than never, right? 
> 
> Also, this story is completely made up, and so I made everything the way I want it (their schedule, who they share room with etc.)
> 
> THIS IS A FILLER CHAPTER where Taeyang developes another deadly habit. It's very Taeyang-centric, the others more set as side characters for the time being.
> 
> MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

He glared at himself with absolute hatred in his eyes. How could he let himself be so obvious, he should've hid it better. His reflection glared back at him and despite knowing he was literally glaring at himself, he felt intimidating by how much hatred his eyes could contain.  _And it was all towards himself._  
He had to find a way to keep going, the others might not realize it now but he'd be better if he was skinnier. It would make the fans happier, and especially make the k-netz more satisfied which would give them a good word in the industry. They'd thank him later. 

He entered the bedroom he shared with Seokwoo, Chanhee and Youngkyun and found the two maknaes deep asleep, and Seokwoo looking at his phone.   
"Tired?", the older asked as soon as the younger laid down on his bed.   
"Insanely."  
"Let's sleep then."  
Seokwoo pulled the other close, Taeyang resting his head on the older's chest, finding peace in how slow and steady the older's heartbeat was. There wasn't much space since they shared a bed made for one person but neither wanted to sleep alone so Taeyang's bed stood empty on the other side of the room.  
"Tae?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you promise not to keep doing whatever you've been doing?"  
Taeyang took a few seconds to think. "Of course."  
He wouldn't continue doing what he had been doing. He'd find a new way and be more careful than before. 

Morning came quickly and Taeyang made sure to wake up an hour earlier in order to be able to go out an run. As soon as he heard the alarm he put on his phone, he crawled his way out of Seokwoo's death grip, got some appropriate clothes from his closet and went into the bathroom. He got changed quickly and sat down on the tile floor, opening up his phone to do some research.   
'How to hide restriction from friends and family', he typed in and waited a second for the results.   
He entered a site called 'MyProAna.com' and looked for an accurate answer. Seemed like there was no major authority though, it was all people sharing personal experience. The post google led him to was about someone who was "out of practice" when it came to hiding restriction and was used to something called 'purging'.   
He opened a new tab and googled what it could possibly mean.   
'What is purging'  
First thing that showed up was the definition of the word but it didn't make a lot of sense to him so he scrolled down and was immediately faced with Psychcentral's post about bulimia. He entered the site and read through it briefly before going back to google.  
'How to purge'  
He was once again back at MyProAna under the headline "BEST PURGING TIPS" and skimmed through it. It seemed as if all he had to do was vomit everything he ate and he'd be good to go. In all honest opinions, he found it gross but what else could he do? Next problem, how to hide that from the others?   
'How to purge in secret'  
Okay, so he'd start with liquids. That should be easy.   
Looking at the time, he noticed he already spent 20 minutes looking at new "diet" tips and left the bathroom and dorm in order to take a run. 

It was hard. He was exhausted already and his schedule didn't even start yet. When he came back to the dorm, the others seemed to be asleep judging by how quiet it was and he hit the shower, in hopes of the water making him more energized. That wasn't really the case, it didn't help anything but his sore muscles but at least he felt clean. Once he was done he realized he never brought clothes or a towel with him and frantically looked around. There happened to be a towel on the rack already, he assumed someone hung it there after their late night shower and he didn't care if it was used, it was better than nothing. Wrapping the towel around himself, he left the bathroom and headed for the bedroom to get some clothes. Seokwoo was awake when he entered.   
"Where were you?"  
"I was out for a run."  
"At five in the morning?"  
"Yeah."  
He got dressed, feeling the older's stare at his back which made him uncomfortable but he decided not to comment on it.  
"Won't you be too tired to dance then?"  
"Oh please, when am I ever too tired to dance?", Taeyang said, humor hinted in his tone and a weight lifted from his shoulders when he heard the other laugh quietly.  
"Will you keep me company in the kitchen while I make breakfast?"  
"Of course."

"How come you suddenly wanted to go out for a run?"  
"Not sure really, just felt like it."  _More like forced yourself to burn some calories since you're about to eat fatass._  
"Can I come with you next time?"  
Taeyang stared at the older, eyes slightly wider than usual from being caught off guard.  
"You want to...come running with me? Seokwoo, you hate running."  
"Any minute spent with you is worth it as long as you're happy and smiling."  
Taeyang felt his face grow hot and couldn't surpress a smile from spreading on his lips. Seokwoo leaned in and pecked the smile before taking out all ingredients from the fridge and cupboards.   
"How are you feeling about hoddeok? I know it's not really a healthy breakfast but it's tasty and we have hours of dance practice ahead..."  
"Hoddeok will be fine, handsome, the others will love it too."  
"Are you sure you want to eat it though?"  
_Start with liquids._  
"Yeah."  
Seokwoo smiled at him. "I don't see why you would want to lose weight to begin with, your body is literally perfection."  
"Don't overdo it.", Taeyang said with an eyeroll.  
"I'm not, I love every part of your body. I just wish you get to see yourself the way I see you."  
_'I just wish you never get to see me the way I see myself.'_ , Taeyang thought bitterly, mind already clouding with negativity, throwing his efforts of being happy out through the window.   
As soon as four other members entered the kitchen, Seokwoo placed the food on the table and dragged Taeyang to sit with him. Seokwoo was an amazing cook, he really was but to Taeyang that was bad. If Seokwoo was a bad cook he could avoid the food but that wasn't the case in real life.  
"Hyung, aren't you hungry?"  
Taeyang lifted his gaze to look into Chanhee's young, wide eyes that were way to innocent and curious to be ruined by Taeyang. He felt guilty for not hiding it better now.  
"Not really, Chanhee, it's still early."  
Chanhee nodded. "Don't forget to tell us if you're feeling unwell."  
"Of course. Thank you."  
Chanhee looked confused as to why he was being thanked but he chose not to question it.   
From under the table, Seokwoo grabbed his lover's hand and squeezed it slightly.   
"You promised you'd eat."  
"I will. But I'm never hungry in the morning."  
"Eat at least two."  
Taeyang took a deep breath and started analyzing the situation. If he ate slowly, the others would be done with breakfast at the same time as he was and then he wouldn't be able to use the bathroom. If he ate quickly he also wouldn't be able to since the two bathrooms the nine of them shared were being used in the moment. With other words, he wouldn't be able to try to purge in the apartment. He'd have to wait until they arrive at FNC. The thought about purging made his skin crawl and chills run up his back repeatedly but deep inside there was an unfamiliar lump of adrenaline. He wasn't sure what to feel about that.   


They barely made it to the building before Taeyang entered the bathroom and locked himself in a stall. No one else was there and he had nothing to lose.   
He read somewhere that drinking water while purging makes it easier or something, healthier maybe? No that made no sense. He just knew he had to. He downed a bottle of 500 mililiters before leaning over the toilet. He immediately felt food rise but nothing more. He squeezed his abs in an effort of them pushing the content of his stomach out but to no avail. He took a deep breath. Only one more way he could think of and it was the most terrifying. He lifted his hand, staring at his long fingers. He remembered how proud Inseong had been over having big hands but then it turned out the third youngest had even bigger ones.   
'You crashed his ego, stupid'  
He let his index and middle fingers form a V sign and slowly lifted them to his mouth. He was beginning to feel a little bit dizzy from standing hunched over with his head below his hips. He let the fingers enter his mouth and he gagged painfully. The act was enough to give him a growing headache, the force from trying to vomit making his dizziness worse.   
"Why isn't it working?", he whispered to himself before once again trying, this time using three fingers. It was hard to fit them in the mouth but as soon as he got them in, food came running up his throat and he finally managed to get it up. He wasn't sure for how long he was supposed to go on, but as soon as almost nothing but some gray-ish liquid came up, he assumed it would be alright to stop. He expected to feel lighter, thinner and more confident when he was done. Boy was he wrong.  
As if feeling like death wasn't enough, the mirror made sure to show him he looked like it too. His hair was a mess, but that was from not caring about it in the morning and leaving it be. There were bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep. Looking into his own eyes was a shock. They were bloodshot, probably form the pressure put on his head. His nose was on fire, only not literally, but he couldn't breathe through it without it burning the insides from having breathed in the awful stench. His skin looked tired somehow. As if worked way too hard lately and gave up trying now. He was not ready for hours of dance practice. Popping two pieces of fresh mint gum, he ran a hand through his hair and exited the bathroom.

When he entered the training room, the others weren't ready yet so he got on the floor and stretched, muscles tensing and relaxing in a soothing way to his body. His body was overworked from all extra practice he'd put himself through and he hadn't been stretching properly for a while.   
"What happened to your eyes?", Juho asked him, sitting down next to him and copying whatever move the younger did.  
"Allergies or something, I'm not sure really."  
"You feeling alright?"  
"Yeah, a little bit under the weather but it'll be fine."  
"Tell us if it gets worse, we don't want you collapsing."  
"I will."  
"Alright, everybody! Into your positions.", Youngbin told them while he went to fix the stereo. Taeyang begged his body not to collapse. This would not be easy.


	3. it's the things i shouldn't see that always catch my eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He'd never expect this to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taking such a long time between updates, I'm still trying to figure out how I want the story to turn out xD  
> This chapter is a little mess but I hope it's alright. It's very Taeyang-centric and a new character who will set this story on fire.  
> I wanted to do a small update now because school starts tomorrow and I will be a little busy in the future but hopefully I'll be able to write a chapter or two soon.

Taeyang hated dancing with a passion he decided. Or he tried to convince himself so. His stomach was behaving strangely, he ate before coming, he shouldn't feel hungry. Sure, he got rid of everything too, and he did eat some gum which is known to trigger your body that you're about to eat but he still felt like it was unfair to feel hungry. Why did his body treat him like this?   
What worried him the most was the fact that he had to do a spin before the first chorus of their comeback song and with how dizzy he was feeling he feared he'd injure himself. He couldn't afford that right now.   
"Can we skip that part today?", he asked the choreographer.   
"Try it."  
"I'm really not feeling well-"  
"Give it a try and we'll decide."  
Taeyang sighed and silently prayed to himself.   
Everyone took their start positions and the choreographer started the music, eyes sharp enough to chill Taeyang to his bones. He was certain the older watched him the closest because he was the main dancer after all. If anyone had to perform the choreography flawlessly it was him.   
The first chorus was coming up and taking a deep breath, Taeyang hoped his heart wouldn't beat its way up his throat from beating too violently.   
Letting his legs carry him, he threw himself up in the air and luckly landed perfectly, which made him groan. Now he would have to do it over and over.   
When the dance was over, everyone was panting. It was a tough dance, but with enough practice they could make it. Rome wasn't built in a day.   
"Have some water and then we'll go through routine again."  
Everyone did as they were told and the choreographer walked up to Taeyang.  
"Wasn't so hard, was it?"  
Taeyang shook his head even if he wanted to tell him he didn't want to do the spin again. It really put his head off as if he wasn't dizzy enough already.   
"Everything alright?", Seokwoo asked as he walked up to the two, wrapping his arm around his lover's waist, head resting on top of the younger's because he was just that tall.   
"Just some doubt regarding the spin. But it went well, so we'll keep it."  
The world just hated Taeyang, didn't it?  
"You were worried about it?"  
"Yeah, I'm feeling a little icky, that's all."  
"Let's do the routine again!"

They did. And again, again, again and again. Taeyang started losing count of how many times they had to do the exact same dance over and over.   
"One last time and then we'll do Fanfare and K.O."  
"What about the other tracks on this album?", Youngbin asked.   
"I'll show you all next week."  
Roar played again, hopefully the last time that day, but you never knew when it came to the stern guy sitting in front of them. He could change his mind last second.   
Wanting to get it over with, Taeyang carelessly threw himself in the air, which caused him to lose control and barely making it down safely. The relief of not breaking every bone in his body didn't numb the pain he felt in his ankle and wrist. He continued nonetheless, aware of the worried glances the others gave him every time they made eye contact.   
"Great job everyone! Do Fanfare and K.O once and you're done for the day."  
Not daring to go against the man, they all prepared for the other dances. Times like these made Taeyang hate being the one with the most screentime. Not only did he feel guilty for having the most lines and screentime but he also had to be precise with every movement he did. He had the most to do and was center, if he slacked it would make the others look bad too. Maybe they'd let him off the center position if he started slacking and let someone else have it.   
When they were done, they were let off, choreographer surprisingly nice.   
"Taeyang, can I talk to you? Alone."  
Why. Just why.   
"I'll wait outside.", Seokwoo told him.   
"It's alright, I'll see you at the dorm."  
Seokwoo didn't look happy about his suggestion but went with it.   
"Don't be too late."

"You wanted to talk?"  
"You're slacking too much. There is so much we need to work on with you."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Also, put some ice on your ankle so it doesn't swell."  
"I will."  
"Good. You can go now."  
Taeyang gathered his things and headed towards the door. As his hand grabbed the handle, the voice behind him spoke up.   
"Oh, and Taeyang?"  
He turned around.   
"I'd recommend you to drop a few pounds. You won't do your group any good looking like this."  
Taeyang's eyes widened. Did he hear correctly?  
"W-what do you mean?"  
"Compared to the others you look flabby. I have some tips if you want them."  
He let go of the handle. "I'm listening."  
The choreographer went to his own bag and grabbed a small box, walking up to the young male.   
"In this box there is a tea you should drink every single night. It'll speed your metabolism and burn fat. I would also cut down on food if I were you. Your face is too handsome to be hidden under layers of fat."  
The choreographer walked past him out of the door. Taeyang followed and watched as the older locked the door. They walked together out.  
"If you want I can dance some extra hours with you. You know...to burn off some more of all the fat on your body."  
Taeyang knew he was supposed to be offended but the tone the other was using was captivating and convincing enough to make him believe every word was true. He was sure he'd cry later about it though.   
"Would you be willing to do that?"  
Taeyang nodded. "Are you sure you want to do that though? It's your spare time..."  
"Taeyang, I'm willing to do anything to see you succeed. I'm not going to let you work so hard only to be slaughtered by fans for being too fat."  
Fat. That was what he was.  
"Have you tried losing weight yourself yet?"  
"Yeah. It didn't work out well. The others caught on when I tried not eating."  
"That's a pity. They are just jealous you could have the best body."  
"But they are really skinny. They have nothing to be jealous of."  
"Not yet. They will have. Was that all?"  
Taeyang stayed silent. He wasn't sure if he should tell the other about his newfound action.  
"I...I kind of started this other thing. I've already tried laxatives, they don't really work but I'm scared to stop just in case. So I kind googled around and found that...vomiting is supposed to help..."  
"Yes! I was afraid I'd have to introduce you to that myself. It does help a lot, you should keep doing it."  
"But isn't it like...unhealthy or something?"  
"Would you rather be fat and fail or be a little bit unhealthy and become really well-known?"  
Taeyang didn't answer.  
"Exactly. Now go home and drink some of the tea I gave you."  
"Thank you for all help, Mr. Byun."  
"Oh, please. Call me Yunhyung."

"What took you so long?", Seokwoo asked as soon as he stepped inside the dorm.  
"He wanted me to do the routine properly because I had slacked too much.", it wasn't completely a lie. It just wasn't completely true either.  
"What's that?"  
"Just some tea that would help relax my muscles."  
"You know what also relaxes muscles? A warm shower."  
"Would you join me then?"  
"Thought you would never ask."

After showering he used a kettle he found hidden in a cupboard to boil some water. There were no labels on the package whatsoever so he assumed it wasn't the package the tea originally came in. If that didn't sound suspicious, he wasn't sure what did and any sane person would probably google what type of tea burned fat in his sleep but too bad he wasn't sane enough to do that. If someone finally was being honest with him and didn't lie about his weight he wasn't going to do against that person.  
"What flavor is it?"  
"I'm not sure. Hopefully it's not too bad."  
Seokwoo let his arms rest around the other's waist, hands resting against the other's lower back. Taeyang let his head his the other's chest.  
"Are you hungry?"  
"No."  
"Too bad. I'm still making you something."  
"That's alright."  
"So you'll eat it?"  
"Of course."  
Seokwoo kissed the other's lips before going to the fridge.  
"It's nothing big, jus tsome bulgogi the others had earlier but it's something."  
"It's great, stop downgrading your own cooking."  
He ate it without a problem, making sure to drink a few sips between every other bite.   
"I'm going to sleep. Are you coming?"  
"I'll come soon, just going to drink this as well."  
As soon as Seokwoo left, Taeyang let the tea bag flavor the hot water before heading for the bathroom with a water bottle. He drank half the bottle and leaned over the toilet. Only the water came up and Taeyang groaned. He hated this whole act already. Wasting no time, he forced three fingers down his throat and let the burning stomach acid burn the sides of his throat. He would certainly never get used to that. He was sure he'd never get used to the awful smell and burning in his eyes either. When his eyes saw nothing but gray bile, he let himself stand up and flush the toilet. He went to the sink and filled his mouth with some of the remaining water in the battle, gurgling it around before spitting out and drinking the rest. He brushed his teeth and went to the kitchen. His tea would be very strong now but he didn't mind. Who knows, maybe it'd burn more fat that way.   
_"But isn't it like...unhealthy or something?"_  
"Would you rather be fat and fail or be a little bit unhealthy and become really well-known?"  
Taking a sip of the tea, he decided it was all worth it. He had it all under control, if it got too bad he'd stop. He could do this.


	4. i won't forget the good times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyang assumed Mr. Byun was on his back solemnly to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY for the lack of updates, school started and went it hard with all work. Also, the typical fanfic writer excuse about their computer either being broken or not having one. I can now confirm this is real and it happens haha. 
> 
> What do you think of SF9's latest comeback? I'm shook. Though, this fic will still take place around the Roar era because why not. 
> 
> MIGHT BE TRIGGERING. READ ON OWN BEHALF. Also sorry if it's short but I wanted to give you something.

Never had he ever wished for a sleep-in more than this particular day. Waking up was a challenge, his body screaming from slightest movement, including his lungs when all he did was breathe. Why couldn't he stay at the dorm and sleep for the day? Oh, right. Comeback. Soon. Gotta practice.  
"Taeyang-ah? Breakfast is ready!", Seokwoo was in the doorway, sending him a soft smile. Taeyang tried to smile back as he let his head sink through the pillow. Shakingly, he brought a hand up to run it through his currently messy hair. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"  
"Yeah. Sure. Just give me a minute."  
"Just don't push yourself too hard. Your well-being is way more important than this comeback."  
Well, no. He couldn't agree with that. Hell, he couldn't disagree more, how could Seokwoo talk as if the younger was actually worth something at all? He wasn't sure where all the self-loath came from but he couldn't shake it away. He wasn't sure he wanted to either. It was oddly comforting.

In the kitchen he found the three eldest, all seemingly too tired to do more than eat and greet him as he entered.  
"Morning.", Youngbin said with a subtle smile, eyes shining brighter than his teeth. Poor leader had been working way too hard for anyone his age. Taeyang wouldn't be surprised if Youngbin's hair turned gray before he turned 30.  
"Good morning!", Taeyang put on his best blinding smile, not wanting to let his own feelings drag the others down.  
"Aren't you a sunshine?", Jaeyoon commented, but without his natural sarcasm. Taeyang enjoyed when the older was his relaxed, extra self but it also made real compliments mean so much more. At least he assumed it was meant as a positive thing.  
"Just living up to his name, Jaeyoon-ah.", Inseong commented, hand squeezing the Busan native's, where they lay intertwined on the table at the small spot between the two.  
"I just don't see how someone can be so...awake...in the morning."  
"The sun rises early.", Youngbin pointed out. "I wouldn't call it a new day until the sun has risen."  
"This sun, however, rises whenever he feels like.", Seokwoo said, entering the kitchen, wrapping his arm around Taeyang's waist and giving his head a soft kiss. "Why don't you sit down?"  
"I'm not hungry.", Taeyang said, wrapping his arms around the older, cuddling into his chest. The action was both comforting to him and a way not to face the others. He didn't see anything wrong with skipping a meal here and there, but somehow he knew deep down that he shouldn't. Especially not when he's about to dance a whole day away.  
"You got to eat something. I don't care if it's just an apple, just eat something."  
Seokwoo's tone scared him. It wasn't soft like it usually was. Seokwoo was a very soft-spoken person, Taeyang would say it's one of the other's biggest charms because you could easily melt listening to him speak, not to mention his singing. But that softness was nowhere to be found in this moment. But his voice wasn't rough either, nor was it stern as if he was lecturing the younger. Taeyang couldn't point out what, but something felt wrong.  
"Seokwoo-"  
Taeyang was yanked back from the older's chest, Seokwoo searching his eyes, which Taeyang didn't let happen.  
"You can't skip breakfast if you have a day filled with dance."  
"I just...I don't know..."  
Seokwoo grabbed his chin, forcing his head up.  
"Why are you so careful with what you eat?"  
"We really don't have time-"  
"Why, Taeyang?"  
Chills ran down his spine. He didn't want this to happen, he didn't want them to fight. He had almost forgotten the other three in the kitchen until Youngbin spoke up.  
"We could talk to the CEO if you're not feeling alright. The least thing we want is you feeling unwell."  
"You got to value your health!", Jaeyoon commented.  
"And you're the one to speak, you don't even care about what you eat, may it be healthy or not.", Inseong pushed other softly.  
"Shut up Kim Inseong! I don't need a goddamn diet.", Jaeyoon crossed his arms. Inseong chuckled, eyes warm enough to make Taeyang's heart swell from the affection the oldest member had for Jaeyoon.  
"Of course you don't. I would never want you to follow one either to be honest.", Jaeyoon just shoot him a look that caused Inseong to raise his hands in defeat. "I'm not saying it to cheer you up. I'm serious."  
Jaeyoon just rolled his eyes. "Oh, really. Wow. Serious, yeah, super serious."  
"I'll take you out on a date?"  
Jaeyoon looked away from the older, mostly to hide the smile spreading on his lips, which was pointless due to the crates that created when he smiled. Inseong kissed his cheek before standing up and leaving the used plate and utensils in the sink.  
Taeyang looked back to Seokwoo, who was looking both fond and upset. He pulled the younger closer to his own body, resting their foreheads together, hands under Taeyang's shirt running up and down soothingly. "I just don't want anything bad to happen to you."  
"I know.", Taeyang whispered.  
'I do not want anything bad to happen to you either but I am the worst thing you could ever have.'

Practice was slow, much slower than usually. Taeyang, being the main dancer and practically living to dance, found it very easy to learn new choreographies, he just needed to sharpen them a little and get into them, but it usually didn't take him longer than a week to get a good choreography right. And he didn't mind the others taking longer time, he would never, in fact, he'd help them out more often than not. But everyone already knew the choreography and the only person holding them back was Mr. Byun.  
"Start over. Stop slacking everyone.", they weren't slacking. Mr. Byun was looking straight at Taeyang the whole time he spoke, and the young man knew it was meant for him and him only. He was letting the others down.  
They started over but half-way through they were interrupted.  
"You got to react quicker, Taeyang-ah. You're being too slow."  
_My foot is killing me, I'm trying my best._ "Of course. I'll work harder."  
Taeyang missed the glances the others shared behind his back.  
The familiar beat to Roar started once again and they performed flawlessly, every single member in sync, not missing a single beat. When the song ended they were all gladly surprised with what great teamwork they had.  
"You're still slacking a little. Stay for a while when the others leave and I'll help you out."  
Taeyang felt like crying. He was certain he didn't miss a single step, every single muscle working when it needed. He even did that godforsaken flip despite his foot being all messed up.  
"You're dismissed. Taeyang, stay behind."  
The others did as they were told, not daring to go against the much older man. Seokwoo went up to Taeyang, grabbing his hands.  
"You did nothing wrong, babe."  
"Yes, I did, I wouldn't stay behind if I didn't."  
"He's being unreasonable."  
"Seokwoo...It's fine."  
Seokwoo breathed out and grabbed the younger's face, pecking his lips softly. "Be careful."  
"I will.", Taeyang whispered back. Taeyang was so thankful their relationship was not a secret at the company, their CEO didn't mind their relationship as long as they didn't show it outside of the dorm or FNC building. There was also an agreement that they would have to accept possible set-up girlfriends which was nothing they could go against.  
Taeyang leaned in to connect their lips once again, letting their lips softly caress each others'. They didn't break apart until someone cleared their throat, which of course was Mr. Byun since the others already left.  
"Seokwoo, I need to have a few words with Taeyang."  
"Yes, of course. Sorry sir."  
And then they were alone. Again. Mr. Byun didn't say a word, he was just eyeing the young male up and down, while walking around him.  
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I made any mistakes."  
Still nothing. The older man stopped in front of the younger and the cold stare made Taeyang want to turn to the door and run.  
"I just wanted to keep you for a while. I think you need to work more on the landing, or else you'll get hurt."  
"Yes sir. Anything else?"  
And suddenly his head was snapped to the side.  
"Don't ask such questions. I'm talking and when I'm done, you're allowed to leave."  
"S-sorry.", Taeyang held his stinging cheek, doing all to surpress tears. It didn't hurt, that wasn't it, but he was afraid. Deathly afraid. His heart was about to beat out of his chest and if he didn't leave soon he was sure his lungs were going to give in.  
"Did you drink the tea?"  
"Y-yes."  
"I couldn't notice. You look just as fat as yesterday."  
Taeyang looked down in shame.  
"I-I'm sor-sorry. I had breakfast."  
"Oh, I can tell, fatass."  
He knew it was true, but it stung. He didn't want to hear these words anymore. He was ready to break down. Surprising Taeyang furthermore, Mr. Byun brought out a scale.  
"Step on it."  
"N-no, please, I don't wa-"  
Once again, he was slapped.  
"You do as I say. I decide here, not you. Understood?"  
Taeyang nodded and stepped on the scale, tears falling freely.  
"I know it's hard to be fat, but you don't have to cry about it. Let's see...60 kilograms?! Damn. You look like you could be twenty kilos heavier!"  
Taeyang felt dizzy.  
"I-I'll work harder. I'll lose weight quickly."  
"That's the spirit. Don't eat for the rest of the day. If you're not below 60 kilograms tomorrow, I don't know what I'll do with you."

He spent some good ten minutes in the restroom, trying to make his eyes less red, which was useless. The tears wouldn't stop falling anyway.  
The main door opening, startled him and he turned away, not wanting anyone to see him this way.  
"Taeyang?", it was Juho. "We're going for lunch, are you coming?"  
"I'll skip out, hyung. Maybe another day."  
"Are you su- Yah, what happened?"  
"Nothing happened."  
"Bull. You're crying. Why is your cheek red? Did Mr. Byun do something?!"  
"He didn't do anything. I just rested my cheek on my hands for too long."  
"I still think you should come with us."  
"I don't fucking want to!"  
Juho was taken aback.  
"Calm down. I didn't mean to upset you."  
"Too fucking late."  
And then he was out of the restroom. He certainly hated himself even more now.


	5. we can't go back to yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I haven't had any reliable ideas that would work well with the story line but now I have the rest of the story planned out. I just haven't put the words together yet, so I can't say exactly how many more chapters but I'd guess 2-3? idk, we'll see.
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING.  
> There is some weird stuff going on here and if you're sensitive towards pills and pill usage, don't read because triggers.

If he could turn back time, Taeyang would turn back to months ago when everything felt alright. And he would definitely turn back to before he snapped at Juho, who didn't deserve it one tiny bit. Hell, all he did was care, and still Taeyang got angry. 

He entered the empty dorm and headed straight to his room, throwing himself on his bed. He wanted to cry but he didn't have any energy to do so. He was just too tired to live. He stared at the ceiling and hoped to fall asleep and sleep away the awful headache that kept banging inside his head. He was so hungry. And he was so dizzy. He wasn't sure why this was happening, he should have lost weight, so he should be healthier than before.   
'Maybe I should just eat something small'  
He was battling himself whether he should or shouldn't go to the kitchen and eat something. Just something little. An apple maybe. At the end he decided he could eat if he had lost weight.   
Entering the bathroom, he undressed quickly and took out the scale. Inhaling deeply before exhaling equally as slow, he stepped on it, not looking down until five seconds later when the number had settled.   
57kg.   
That was an okay number, right? But if he ate...maybe he'd wake up at 60 again. Mr. Byun would be so mad. He didn't want that. Okay, so maybe he could go a day more without eating. He'd just take a painkiller and get some rest and he would wake up feeling fine again.   
He went to the kitchen with a changed mind than what he originally wanted. He wasn't going to eat and ruin his progress. But he definitely needed something to kill his headache and overall heavy body. Moving didn't necessarily hurt but it was hard to move because his muscles didn't want to cooperate fully. Reaching for a glass in the cupboard, he ran the tap and waited for the water to become slightly colder than it was before filling the glass. When the glass was filled, he closed the tap again, reaching in their medical cabinet for a painkiller. According to the prescription box, he was allowed to take two small pills, having to wait eight hours until he could take some more. Downing two pills, he waited for the pills to have an effect but the headache didn't disappear, in fact, it was growing worse and worse every second.   
'If I am allowed to take two pills every eight hour, then I can take six pills in a day. Might as well take all of them at once.'  
So he did. He couldn't think clearly and if someone asked him a day ago, he'd say he was still sane. Now he wasn't so sure. Still, he brought out the rest of the package. Would four more be enough? The headache had been there for almost three days. Six times three was eighteen. Eighteen pills should be enough, right? Could he get so many? No. There were only twelve more pills. Who cares. Maybe it would help a little.   
He pressed every single painkiller out of its holder, soon enough twelve pills lying on the kitchen counter. He stared at them before picking them all up slowly, hiding them in his fist before opening it slowly, observing the painkillers carefully. He had heard people on the Internet call them happy pills, 'the more you take, the happier you become', they had said. He hoped the twelve pills in his hand would be enough to give him euphoria.   
He could hear the door being unlocked and quickly shoved the painkillers in his mouth, gagging slightly from his mouth and gag reflex not being ready and grabbed the glass, drinking every last bit, all pills thankfully going down.   
"Taeyang?"  
"You're back."  
"Are you okay?"  
Taeyang frowned. "Of course, why do you ask?"  
Youngbin entered the kitchen, looking worried as ever. "You're paler than you usually are."  
"I'm just tired. Is Juho with you?"  
"He's in his room, I believe."  
"Thanks, hyung.", Tearing told him and went to make his way to Juho's room to apologize, almost collapsing before he passed Youngbin, having it not been for Youngbin grabbing onto him, he would have been on the floor.   
"What's wrong with you?"  
"I'm just tired."  
"Go sleep. You need it."  
He still headed to Juho's bedroom, knocking softly on the door. "Hyung?"  
"Taeyang?"  
"Can I come in?"  
There was a moment of silence. "Sure."  
When he entered he found Juho on his bed, a notebook in front of him.   
"Can I help you?"  
"I-I want to apologize."  
Juno looked up, facing the younger.   
"I had no right to snap at you when all you did was ask and care."  
Juho smiled softly. "It's okay."  
"No, it's not. What I did was wrong and you should be angry back at me."  
"Anger doesn't solve it, Taeyang-ah."  
"Youngbin-hyung didn't seem aware of what happened."  
"I didn't tell anyone. I just told them you were tired and needed some rest."  
Taeyang's heart swelled. He did not deserve someone like Juho.   
"Now, go get some deserved rest, dongsaeng-ah. You work yourself out too much."  
"Thank you for everything, hyung..."  
"Don't mention it, really. You're just too stressed."

An hour later, after having rested well for some solid fifty three minutes, he woke up feeling worse than before. His head was not aching, or he didn't know, because he couldn't feel it. His head was heavy, he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to move but he assumed it somehow worked because next thing he knew he was in the bathroom, retching painfully. The gray bile exiting his mouth tasted nothing but sour and slightly lemon-y if he was to be completely honest, but that tinge of lemon was not worth the rest. His eyes watered because of the pressure his head was put through and suddenly his head was pounding again.   
'The pills'  
Of course. Of fucking course. How could he be stupid enough to take so many pills? Obviously it wouldn't help. He brought his hands up to his mouth and pushed them back in a practiced manner, gagging even more painfully than before, unidentified chunks leaving his mouth, burning his throat to the point of Taeyang not knowing what to do with himself.   
Suddenly a hand brushed back his hair, stroking his back.   
"It's alright."  
He continued to dry heave for a few minutes before leaning back, strong arms holding him in a sitting position.   
"Care to explain why you had fingers down your throat? Or how there was nothing but some strange white chunks, that's clearly not food?"  
Taeyang felt gone, not really sure of what was going on, letting his head hit the older's chest.   
"Honey?"  
"Dunno, just a couple of pills..."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Headache...and Maths and now I'm here and I dunno."  
"Pills? How many did you take?"  
Taeyang chuckled and rubbed his eyes lazily.   
"How many pills?"   
"I took two..."  
"Two pills?"  
"And then twelve more..."  
Suddenly the room was quiet.   
"Youngbin-hyung!"   
Taeyang winced at the loud shout, especially the part where Seokwoo's voice cracked.   
"Yah, why are you screaming at this ti-what is going on here?"  
"Call the ambulance or manager or something? Please hyung, I don't know what to do!"  
"My goodness."  
And suddenly the sound of feet leaving the room echoed in Taeyang's head. Taeyang brought a heavy hand up to caress Seokwoo's cheek, causing the older to look down on him. Taeyang frowned when something wet kept hitting his face. He wasn't sure what the tracks of water from Seokwoo's eyes were. He always knew Seokwoo's eyes were an ocean but he never expected the ocean to open up in smaller rivers. The thought of the ocean running out of water made him sad. He hoped that wouldn't happen. As beautiful as rivers could be, nothing compared to the full ocean.   
He felt his head grow heavier, hand falling limp by his side again, and he closed his eyes, hoping to get rid of the tiredness he felt.   
"No, baby, don't go to sleep just yet."  
"'M tired."  
"I know, you can rest soon, but we have to wait for the ambulance."  
"Who's sick?"  
He felt Seokwoo's chest rumble, he wasn't sure if it was a laugh or cough. Suddenly the arms held him even closer, which surprisingly was still possible.   
"Everything will be alright."  
"I don't want alright...I want skinny..."  
"Wha...What...Taeyang, you can't...What? What do you mean?"  
"I love you, Seokwoo..."  
He felt something press against his forehead before a soft whisper of 'I love you too' entered his ears. He wasn't sure if the voice was weak or if he was slipping unconscious, but nothing appeared as clearly as before.   
"Taeyang? Yah, babe, don't close your eyes just yet! The ambulance is here any second!"  
"Will just sleep for a while."  
"No, you won't. Eyes open, look at me."  
He cuddled closer to the 96-liner, closing his eyes. Leaving the bright lights behind was a blessing. And suddenly nothing felt quite as heavy anymore. 


	6. i can't find me anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOO I found myself back to this story and I'm ready. I do not feel better at all (my family won't really let me think about what happened, so I can't say I've had the opportunity to cope), but I hope you are all doing well! <3
> 
> I don't think it's noticeable but I've changed all titles, just for fun. And because seeing it say 'chapter 5' with a six in front of it (the one AO3 put there) is a serious pet peeve to me. 
> 
> I've made up my mind about this and decided that there will be 9 chapters, and one epilogue/ending (without there being a prologue, wow 127/10, gold star to me). I'm sorry if this chapter won't be fun and games, but it's something that needs to get over with for the rest of the story to move on. 
> 
> UNRELATED: But if you want to listen to a masterpiece, listen to MAMAMOO's Paint Me. Beautifully written song, and I miiiiiight just do a short Royang/Taewoon one-shot based on it??? Who knows.
> 
>  
> 
> If it says Taeyong instead of Taeyang I sincerely apologize, I have looked it through a couple of times and to me it looked safe but I also can't always tell certain letters apart. So if you find a mistake (could be spelling error anywhere, not only namewise), I'll happily take complaints and correct it <3 Have a nice time reading!

Painful. That's how Taeyang would describe the bright lights greeting his vision when he opened his eyes. He felt weird, but couldn't put his finger on why. He felt distant and present all at once, as if caught between being asleep and awake. He wasn't sure if what went on around him was an illusion or reality, but judging by the location he believed the place to be, he wished dearly for it to be something his mind made up. Too bad luck is never on his side. 

It was a hospital. Of course it was a stupid hospital. If only he could remember why he was there, he probably wouldn't be so confused about everything. Like why was Seokwoo's upper body resting by the right side of his hip and why was Jaeseong sleeping on the couch on the other side of the room? And why did Youngbin and Sanghyuk just enter the room, Sanghyuk not even looking as if he had some joke to make up for the situation. In fact, he looked ready to crawl into his bed and sleep for a year or two. Taeyang didn't blame him. And that's when the guilt kicked in.   
_Look at all troubles you cause your brothers._  
_Just because little mister perfect can't keep himself in check._  
_Now you lost what meant the most to you._  
_Have fun on your own._  
While he was being eaten by his thoughts, he felt his nose get all scratchy, so he reached up to get rid of the annoying itch, only to realize he couldn't reach said body part, because there was some sort of mask covering most of his face. He was officially ready to go back to sleep and hope to wake up somewhere else now. Not only has he caused everyone trouble and ended up in the hospital, but he couldn't even scratch his own nose, now what kind of unfairness is that? No, he was going to do this, he started to try to remove the mask, having no idea how to actually do so when a hand grabbed onto the one trying to remove it, moving his hand away.   
"You're awake.", Youngbin came and sat beside him, opposite side of where Seokwoo was so gently sleeping, a slight frown dancing between his brows as if his dreams were far from pleasant. Taeyang wanted nothing but to kiss his worries away. He let his hand stroke the older's hair, letting his hand move down the soft skin of the face of his boyfriend, watching how the older subconsciously leaned into the hand. It made Taeyang smile sorrowfully. Seokwoo really deserved the world.   
"I suppose."  
"How...how are you feeling?", Sanghyuk asked, sitting on the bed instead of a chair as Youngbin did. Taeyang had never seen the older so shaken before.   
"Strange."  
"Yeah, they had to drug you for a while pumping your stomach.", Youngbin said it so silently and carefully, it made the youngest in the room's skin tingle. And not in a good ASMR way.   
He tried to think back in his memory lane but he couldn't see a clear picture of why he had to be pumped. Was it the tea he got from Mr. Byun? No, it couldn't have been, he would end up here sooner if it was.   
"Taeyang-ah."  
He looked up to face Youngbin again.   
"Why didn't you come talk to us?"  
The young male froze. "I-I...I don't...I don't know. You all have your own stuff to worry about, I guess?"  
Youngbin chuckled. "It doesn't matter if I have a 24 hour schedule for weeks, if you're feeling unwell, tell me! I honestly don't give a shit about my schedule when it comes to you guys. Anything would be better than one of you attempting suicide!"  
Oh, right. The pills. His headache.   
"It wasn't...I didn't attempt...Doing that never crossed my mind."  
Both of the other two awoken people in the room wore confused frowns.   
"What do you mean? You almost overdose, Taeyang-ah! Stop playing around!"  
"I had a headache. I literally couldn't think straight."  
"No shit?", Sanghyuk spoke up for the first time in a couple of minutes.   
"Sanghyuk.", Youngbin silented the other.   
"I dunno, I just thought the more I took, the more it would help. But when I woke up and felt stranger, I tried to get rid of them."  
As if a lightbulb rose above Youngbin's head, he let out an understanding 'ohhh'.  
"That explains why you were in the bathroom. Seokwoo refused to say what he found out, he hasn't said a word since he told me to call the ambulance."  
Taeyang looked down at his boyfriend again, the frown no longer on his sleeping face, facial expression simply neutral. Better than bothered, Taeyang decided. The older began stirring, as if waking up, which is opposite of what Taeyang wanted to happen, so he started stroking his face softly again, hoping the other would fall back asleep before he could wake up. And he did, after he had grabbed the younger's hand without knowing it himself.  
"Get some more sleep. You look spent.", Youngbin said and stood up. "I'm going to talk to dumb and dumber on the couch over there."  
Not having to be told twice, Taeyang closed his eyes. 

The next time he woke up, it felt like heaven, unlike the first time that day. His body was aching from all overworking he's been doing, stomach and throat on fire for obvious reasons and head heavy. But there was a hand stroking his hair and that was enough for him to not care about all pain. And that was what he called heaven.  
"Honey?"  
"Seokwoo."  
It was painful to watch Seokwoo's eyes fill with tears again. He had a vague memory of Seokwoo crying in the bathroom, he assumed it was after he tried to get rid of the pills but it could have been from another time, because he was not entirely sure.   
"Don't cry."  
Seokwoo chuckled lightly. "You scared the soul out of me, you know."  
His voice was raspy, sounding painful.   
"Don't you ever do something like this again. I don't care how much your head is killing you."  
Taeyang laughed. Or tried to. His throat made it hard to laugh for more than three seconds before he was ready to cough his lungs out. Which also didn't work and left a painful itch in his throat.   
"We have a lot to talk about."  
"Where are the others?"  
Seokwoo sighed, knowing the younger tried to change the subject. "Youngbin sent Jaeyoon and Inseong home to keep the maknaes and Juho company. The maknaes still don't know what happend or why there was an ambulance picking you up, you know."  
"I'm sorry."  
And he truly was. Sorry for worrying the others. Sorry for trying to solving his problems himself. Sorry for making Seokwoo so sad.   
Seokwoo leaned forward and kissed Taeyang's forehead, letting his lips linger for a few seconds before pulling back and grabbed the younger's hand, intertwining their fingers.   
"I know you are."

"Okay, so here is a lot to take in, and I'd recommend all of you who are standing to sit down as this information is...rather hard to digest.", the doctor began, throwing a glance down at the clipboard again before starting speaking again. "I won't be getting into your mental health, as that is not something I'm specified in, but I'll have to go over what damaged has been done to your body because of what I assume is mental problems. First off, your esophagus is damaged and needs rest for a few days, it should be fine in a week, if not you have to come here immediately. Iron levels are also low, so I'll prescribe some iron supplements. Your bones are in the start of thinning and most of your organs have taken minor damage from malnourishment. I hate to say it, but if this would've gone on for longer you'd probably not live for another year. Only positive thing about it was how easy it was to pump your stomach of the remaining pills, which is another problem as to why you took so many of them. But that's none of my business. As of now there's not much more that I can do, time should heal everything nicely unless this malnourishment continues. I'll go prescribe what I can."  
The doctor left and no one spoke up until he came back with what he could give out. Their manager took a deep breath before speaking softly.   
"I have been looking around for some psychologists and I think I might have found someone who could help. I booked an appointment in two days."  
Taeyang didn't answer. He didn't want this. He's an adult, he should get to decide himself. He decided he'd go to the appointment and call it quits after that. 

He was released after that. Getting away from all masks and tubes all over, tubes that monitored stuff he didn't quite have a hang on.   
As they walked to the car, Seokwoo threw an arm around his shoulders, keeping him close after noticing how hard it was for the younger to walk. He wasn't sure why walking was so difficult, but he still felt dizzy and it affected him more than it should.   
As they were driving back to the dorm, Youngbin broke the silence with the plan for the rest of the day. Even if it was early in the afternoon, time barely having past lunch, they were free all day, which was no surprise after what happened.   
"So, there will have to be some explaining about...this."  
"I'm not sure what to say.", Taeyang mumbled, face buried in Seokwoo's chest.   
"Be honest. Tell what has been going on lately."  
He sighed. This would be hard. He immediately started thinking about what to say. The older members who were with him in the hospital already knew something was seriously wrong with him, Taeyang suspected they knew he had been purging after the doctor's description of his injuries. And he wasn't sure what had been said when he was unconscious. He was no longer sure how to play his card to keep himself safe from everyone knowing it all. 


	7. this scene is so complicated

"So?"

Taeyang looked up, facing the leader who was looking at him with a soft frown. He wasn't sure what to say, he didn't want to tell the whole truth obviously, and he certainly didn't want to put strange images in the maknaes heads. He didn't want them to go through what he is going through. 

"Hyung, are you sick?", Chanhee started, with a voice smaller than it should ever be. As if afraid his question would break the older. 

"I...I don't...know?"

Seokwoo squeezed his hand from beside him. "The truth, remember."

"Maybe a little bit?"

"What did you do?", Youngkyun asked. "Has it got to do with your eating habits?"

Taeyang didn't answer. He knew it was because of that, but something about admitting it out loud made him feel ashamed. Who has a problem with eating? No normal person. 

"Yes, it is because of his eating habits.", Youngbin spoke up. 

"What really happened the other day? Because it looked like you were trying to...you know...", Inseong began, not wanting to say the action out loud. 

"It's hard to explain.", Taeyang sighed and put his head in his hands, feeling Seokwoo's hand rub his back instead of holding his hand. He could feel his cheekbones digging into his hands and the feeling was calming. He could do this. He did not work his ass off to throw it all away. He lifted his head again and grabbed onto his lover's other hand. 

"Please try. We need to understand what you're thinking if we're going to solve this.", Sanghyuk said, Taeyang still finding it hard to see the older so serious. It wasn't that Sanghyuk was always all over the place as he is portrayed in media, but usually when facing a problem, he'd make it more bearable by joking a little. He did not even try now, which bothered Taeyang. 

"I took too many pills."

The looks on the maknaes faces would forever be carved into Taeyang's mind. What has he done?

"Hyung! Why would you do that?", Chanhee asked, sounding downright petrified. 

"I was just feeling weird and everything hurt and the box said the pills would help."

"So far, so good, but it does not explain why you took so many? That's really, really dangerous, Taeyang-ah.", Juho stated, going to sit on the other side of the main dancer. He took hold of the free hand. "Are you...having suicidal thoughts?"

The room was dead silent and no one dared to even blink in anticipation of the answer. 

"I...no? Not necessarily, I just..."

"You just?", Seokwoo helped him, seeing the younger's struggle. 

"I just didn't care? See? Nothing makes sense, I just, I don't know how to say it without sounding like a psycho, everything's just weird and it's not like I actually tried to kill myself, I just wouldn't care if I did and I don't-"

"Calm down, sweetie."

As soon as Taeyang shut his mouth, he gasped, feeling how out of air he was. He didn't notice until then. 

"It's alright. It's okay if you don't know what is going on. You don't have to have all answers already. We'll figure it out together, okay?", Jaeyoon said, sitting down in front of him, holding onto his knees. Why did the third oldest have to be so understanding? "Okay?"

Taeyang nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Hush. No apologizing. Now, why don't we start discussing your eating habits?"

Taeyang felt his breath get caught in his throat. "I-I don't have a problem with food."

"It's quite obvious you do, sunshine."

"I'm fine, nothing is-"

"The doctor put out all health complications you have because of vitamin and mineral deficiency.", Youngbin spoke up, not letting the troubled young man continue. "Don't you for a second call this nothing."

Taeyang stayed quiet. 

"When did this start?"

The third youngest refused to meet anyone's eyes. 

"Taeyang-ah.", it was Seokwoo's sweet voice that broke the silence. Seokwoo's sweet, sweet, comforting voice. "Please. I beg of you. We want you to get better."

"It's...I guess I've just always been a little self-critical? But it started to get worse the last two months maybe? I don't remember honestly. It just...happened?" 

The room fell silent. 

"Do...Do you still feel like this?", Chanhee asked quietly, as if afraid Taeyang would break down crying if he spoke any louder. 

Taeyang didn't answer, but he knew they all understood the meaning of his silence.

"We just want you to be okay.", Youngbin told him.

"Can't I just be okay the way I am now? I don't want to gain weight."

"That's exactly the problem."

"We're going to have to set you up with a therapist, and you will have to go."

"But-"

"It's not a choice. Please promise to try to get better. We care so much about you, and I'm sure you don't want to just drop dead right now."

He nodded. He feared saying those words, because that would mean he would have to follow them. If he nodded it could refer to everything the leader said, but it could also be for only the last thing. Which is why he nodded. 

"Okay, everyone. Get some rest. Manager said we have a week's rest.", Youngbin announced. "Of course, you can still practice if you want to, but it's not a must. Do whatever you want as long as you're staying safe."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: hi everyone! it's been like forever and this part was incredibly short which i apologize for, i will try to update in a shorter time span (i mean four months come on).
> 
> do you have anything special you want to happen? i'm kind of out of focus for this fic right now and i'm not quite sure where to put the focus anymore.


	8. hey, i promise, you will be fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: see this chapter as calm before the storm...

It wasn't that he didn't want to recover or anything like that, but when one had gotten this far, who would just give up everything they've worked for? Sure, he wanted to make Seokwoo proud, but was it really worth increasing the amount he ate? He already ate enough for a pregnant woman, why couldn't they see that? Why couldn't they see him at his worst, when he could down more than enough, calorie wise, to last him a week? Life was unfair.

 

"Babe?"

Turning his head sideways, he saw his lover looking at him with concerned eyes, silently begging him to follow him to the kitchen. He knew that. He may have done stupid things in his life, such as swallowing way too many pills while technically knowing what it'd do, but it didn't make him an idiot. It was just a mistake, humans make mistakes. 

"Hyung?"

"Are you coming?"

"Do I have a choice?"

The older sighed. "Taeyang-ah, you know you have to eat."

"I do eat."

"Manager is picking us up for the first therapy session in about an hour. If you keep acting like this there won't be time for breakfast."

"At least there'd be something to talk to the therapist about then. As of now there isn't."

"Why wouldn't you want to eat and be healthy?"

"I think I am healthy. I eat and I dance. What more can you expect?"

"There is a major difference between eating and eating enough and healthily. As is there between dancing and dancing too much. Sure, you might be an idol who has to diet and dance for hours, but that doesn't mean you have to eat such little amounts. That's deadly."

"I feel the best like this."

Seokwoo just shook his head, walking up closer to the stubborn male, brushing freshly dyed purple hair out of brown, sorrowful eyes. After planting a kiss on the shorter's forehead, Seokwoo let his fingers wander to the back of his boyfriend's neck, running his fingers through softly curled curls. He always loved Taeyang's hair like this. It didn't matter what color, as long as it was free of other products the cordis used, such as by this time of the day. Without gel and mouse and what not, the hair would automatically curl slightly, not enough to be considered curly but definitely not straight. It was a style very well suited for Taeyang, an opinion the owner of described hair did not share. Seokwoo was thankful Taeyang would let his hair be when they had free days. 

Seokwoo still had to make breakfast for all the others, having a feeling Juho already started, but help was always needed when you're in a nine-membered group. When his hands let go of the younger's head, he could still feel hair all over his hands, but he express his newfound distress out loud. The younger was pressured enough, knowing his hair was falling out would not make the other feel better, he decided. 

"I'm expecting you to be in the kitchen in ten minutes. Preferably way before."

All he got in response was an eye-roll. Seokwoo sighed and left. 

 

“Look, you’re not in your right mind to decide what to eat.”

“Of course I am, do you take me for a fool?”

“Sometimes I do wonder actually!”

“Well, this fool doesn’t want to follow your goddamn advice, I am more than capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much?”

Seokwoo couldn’t say he was surprised to enter the kitchen to the oldest couple in the dorm arguing. Or “arguing”.

“What are you two on about now?”, he questioned and walked over to the fridge. 

“Inseong somehow thinks green peppers are better than yellow ones, and I can’t believe I’m dating someone with such strange opinions.”

It made Seokwoo miss what he and Taeyang used to be. It’s not that he wanted to change his boyfriend, but if he could press rewind and let the old version come back, he would press that button faster than he could say his own name. Everything was easier when Taeyang’s hobby wasn’t to try to go for as long as possible without eating, back when food wasn’t always on his mind. It made Seokwoo want to fight harder for the younger to get over his struggles. 

“Sunshine?”    
Seokwoo was brought out of his train of thought when he heard their oldest member mention the main dancer. He turned around and saw him dressed in an oversized hoodie. Seokwoo felt sick knowing that hoodie used to fit him perfectly.    
“Honey?”, he reached his hand out for the other to take it, which he did. For the first time ever, Seokwoo realized there was more to the story than just not simply wanting to eat. The younger’s body was quivering, hands frozen compared to Seokwoo’s warm grip. 

“It’s okay. You will be fine.”

Getting no response, he held tighter onto the younger’s dry hand, pulling him carefully to the table. 

“It’s alright, Taeyang-ah. We’ve got you.”, Jaeyoon reassured the youngest in the room, when he sat down next to him. 

Juho walked over to the table, putting various plates on it. “Seokwoo went out to buy fruits this morning, so we have many different options.”

“Thanks.”, majority of the people around the table told him, to which he smiled before turning back to the prep-station to continue loading the table. 

“Where’s Chanhee and Youngkyun?”, Taeyang asked. 

“Sleeping in. Youngbin had to go talk to the manager, so he should be here soon. I haven’t talked to Sanghyuk at all today, but I’d guess he’s in his room.”

Taeyang nodded, wanting to talk in order to get the others off track and possibly forget about him having to eat, but having no clue what to talk about. 

“When do we have schedule?”   
“Don’t worry about that.”

He ended up just looking at the piece of toast Seokwoo fixed him. He wasn’t calculating how many calories, that wasn’t it. He focused on other things. Like how many centimeters each side was. How much flour it must be in it. How long it might have been in the oven when the bread was made at the bakery. It was all numbers, sure, but it was not calories. He must be okay after all, right?

“Taeyang, eat up. We have to go in fifteen minutes.”

“Can’t it wait until after?”

“And then we can wait until lunch? And when lunch comes by we’ll wait till dinner?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Because you’re sick.”

He didn’t answer. He couldn’t understand why his group members were so stubborn, why they insisted he was sick. It was probably just to get rid of him. 

“You can do it.”

He faced Seokwoo, who was frowning at him. 

“Yeah. I probably can. But I don’t want to.”

“See the problem?”

“No?”

“Just eat it. It’ll be over before you can think of it.”

He wanted to believe it. He really did, but there would be a million thoughts running his mind before he could manage to take the first bite. There always was. Most of the time he could hear Mr Byun in his head, as the older man was the only one who told him truthfully what he looked like. He really had to talk to the man soon. 

“Come on honey.”

He took the toast and took a small bite. He wanted it to taste bland. But it didn’t. The butter made it salty and suddenly he couldn’t help but count exactly how many calories there could be. It made his eyes tear up. If he was correct, which he usually was, it was almost the amount he had eaten every single day the last few days. Too much for one meal, to say. He felt his eyes water. He didn’t want to eat it. 

“Taeyang. Sunshine, hey. Don’t be upset.”, Juho told him, bringing the others’ attention to him, making his eyes fill even faster, tears soon falling. He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to face them.

“Baby, don’t cry!”, Seokwoo hugged him around the shoulders, pulling him close, hand going up and down to comfort him. 

“I don’t want to eat it.”

He felt hands grip his knees softly, causing him to open his eyes to see what was going on. It was Jaeyoon.

“Hey. It’s okay. There’s no reason to cry over a piece of toast, alright? It’s not dangerous. I know it’s hard, god, it’s so hard to have no one understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. But it’s not worth crying over bread.”

Taeyong leaned forward, letting his head hit the older’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ve always heard people say nothing is as hard as not having control of your life, but you know...sometimes having too much control is even worse.”

 

He ended up eating the whole slice, struggle not quite as hard when he had someone like Jaeyoon beside him. The short moment he turned his head away from the older, he caught Seokwoo and Inseong having some sort of eye conversation. 

“So why are you here, Taeyang?”

He decided he didn’t like the therapist as soon as he walked in and sat down. He wasn’t sure if Seokwoo also didn’t like him.

“People around me think I’m sick.”

“Are you?”

“I would’ve said I agreed the first time if I believed so.”

Seokwoo gave him a weak push and whisper-yelled a ‘be nice’. 

“Why don’t you believe so?”   
“Because I am not sick. I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not stupid.”

The therapist gave the smallest hint of a smile, a mere thug on the corner of his lips.

“It’s not about whether you’re stupid or not. This kind of behaviour doesn’t care about intelligence. No one is stupid enough to treat themselves this way by free will.”

Yes, he definitely disliked him. If someone chose to lose weight, it was obviously the person themselves. Just because other people didn’t approve of his ways, didn’t make them wrong. All over Internet were people preaching about “your opinion is your opinion and you have every right to think the way you do”, so why was his opinion suddenly so frowned down on? 

“I don’t want to stay here.”

“I know you don’t. No one really wants therapy until they see the perk of it. I’m sure you’ll see it too very soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: sorry for the long wait, i have just recently started to get this started again. i also have way more time as i have finished everything school-related and am actually graduating in less than two weeks ^^; so there is definitely an update or two in june!


	9. 'cause we got a whole lot of fight in us

"How was therapy?"

Taeyang mentally facepalmed when the questioned was asked. He just got back from the useless session with Dr. What-ever-his-name-was and he felt nothing but more angry than before. How could they send him to such place? What did they think would happen there? Cure him? He's dieting, not dying.

"It was alright.", he settled for, sitting down beside Youngbin on the coach. Youngbin looked up from his phone with a disapproving frown.

"You sure? Seokwoo told me what happened."

"Nothing happened. He just asked stupid questions."

"You can't treat people like that just because of that. A therapist asks those questions to make sure you know why you're seeing them in first place."

"I still don't get it. If you want me to quit being an idol, just say so."

Youngbin flung his arm around the thin shoulders.

"We would never want you to quit. That's why we're having you getting help before it's too late."

Taeyang leaned his head on the shoulder, shutting his eyes for a minute. He had only recently realized how nice it felt to have his fellow members perform skinship with him. He had avoided it for so long.

"Can I go to the practice room?"

When he opened his eyes, he was met with Youngbin's thoughtful pair.

"I'm going to be honest, Manager gave me strict orders not to let you practice."

"I just want to be in the building. Besides, I have someone I need to talk to."

Youngbin thought for a little while.

"No practicing. You're supposed to be resting, so I want you back here in an hour."

"Deal!"

 

 

The building felt unfamiliar due to his absence the latest time. It wasn't like coming home at all, more so like entering a completely new place.

"So you're here again."

He turned to see the man he was looking for.

"I thought they finally gave you up."

"I need your help."

The older man eyed him up and down. “Oh, I can tell.”

Taeyang bit his lip.

“They put me in therapy.”

“So I’ve heard. Must be hard to have it confirmed you’re a failure, right?”

“I don’t know how to solve it. Oh, and the tea? Doesn’t help at all.”

“The tea doesn’t help if your fatass keeps eating. You have to only have the tea. Know what? Eat in small amounts, healthy foods only. But purge. I can’t stress you enough how important that is. Drink a lot of water. Weigh yourself in the morning and then have practice.  After every dance class I’ll weigh you and if you’ve gained weight from the day before, when I weighed you, then you’ll have to practice two more hours no matter what time it is. Deal?”

“I-I don’t think I can do that.”

“What do you mean?”, the older man snapped, causing Taeyang to flinch.

“M-My groupmates are very in-invested in what I’m eating.”

“Tell them you’re eating healthy.”

Taeyang nodded, facing the floor and feeling his chest leap when a clean pair of dress shoes entered his vision. Hands gripped his jaw, forcing his gaze up to met dark eyes.

“It would be a shame to have you kicked out of the group only because you couldn’t be strong. Only because you kept making up excuses and blaming your failure on your fellow members. Shameful, isn’t it?”

“That’s not how I mean-”

His head snapped to the side, a burning sensation spreading across his right cheek. Automatically, his hand came up to caress the spot.

“Don’t you ever raise your voice towards me. I’m in charge here, not you. Without me, the CEO would’ve dropped you already, but I told him you can be useful.”

Taeyang cursed himself for letting his eyes well up with tears, not wanting to appear to be even weaker in front of the choreographer. He should be thankful towards him, because of him Taeyang could be a singer. Because of him Taeyang could lose weight.

“If you start crying, I’m adding a kilogram to tomorrow’s weigh-in. Watch your fucking actions carefully. You don’t want to see me snap, pretty boy. Trust me.”

 

 

He was left alone and waited for almost a full minute before sinking to the floor and letting his tears fall freely. He couldn’t help it. Everything was just going wrong, he kept disappointing his group mates because he wasn’t as good as them, he kept disappointed Mr Byun by eating and most importantly, it was only a question of time as to when he’d lose Seokwoo. Maybe he should really have let the pills take the very last of his breath.

“Taeyang?”

He didn’t have to look up to know it was Juho, he could recognize that voice anywhere. The 96-liner had such soothing voice, it could lull him to sleep on his worst days.

“Come here.”

He embraced him tightly, not enough to suffocate the sick man, but with perfect strength to create a sense of protection. No questions were asked, the only sound in the room being clothes ruffling from time to time, Taeyang’s quiet sobbing and Juho humming some random song. This was his favorite thing about his elder - he never asked questions in the middle of a crying session, knowing fully well it would end no good. Even if he asked questions, he never pushed for an answer. Taeyang was grateful for that.

“You didn’t answer your phone, so I offered to come get you.”

The hand running through his hair was cold, the contrast between the coolness of the hand and his hot forehead one of the best feelings he’d felt in a while.

“So if you wanna talk about whatever reason is behind you feeling down, know that I’m here.”

He nodded.

“It’s just...too much right now. Everything is just going too fast.”

“Ohhh. Should we talk to the others about it?”

Hearing a ‘we’ had never felt better.

 

 

“Guys, we need to have a talk.”

Taeyang winced. He had expected it to be later than sooner, but Juho turned that around. Taeyang really did not want to speak about it in this moment. He wanted to wait, to plan.

“About what?”, Sanghyuk questioned while sitting down beside Chanhee on their living room couch. Juho casted Taeyang a glance, the faces of most members immediately growing distressed. Taeyang noted how Seokwoo was nowhere to be seen.

“What happened?”

Upon not giving any sign of speaking up, he felt Juho’s hand against the small of his back, pushing him forward slightly.

“I think it sounds better if it comes from you.”

“I-it’s nothing serious, or anything like that…”

“...But?”, Inseong prompted, leaning forward slightly.

“I guess...everything is just...I don’t know...going too fast?”

“What can we do to help you?”, Youngbin questioned, leaning forward onto his knees.

“Don’t expect me to do well.”

“Is it about this morning?”, Jaeyoon spoke up, stretching from his position half on top of Inseong. Taeyang found himself nodding, not sure how Jaeyoon could always spot some of his difficulties no one else seemed to notice. “You did great though, you can’t have a drastic change in a night.”

“But everyone expects me to.”

The room fell silent, Taeyang catching a glimpse over how guilty his members looked.

“Look, sunshine, it’s not that we want to pressure you but we want you to get better.”, Youngbin said softly, fingers twitching over not being close enough to touch the bothered member of the maknae-line.

“But I don’t want to gain more weight, I don’t want to be fat for the rest of my life!”, he snapped, eyes widening when he realized what he had done. He wanted to cry. Their leader was looking beyond distressed.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ha-”

“Don’t you dare fucking apologize.”

He found himself shivering at the tone and stare the leader gave him. When the older stood up, he found himself backing up against Juho, who refused to move further back and away from the nearing leader. Taeyang honestly believed he would get slapped once again, but to his great surprise, he was pulled into an embrace. The hug was firm and Taeyang let himself enjoy it to the fullest until he felt the arms quiver and Youngbin’s chest was starting to rack.

“H-hyung…”

“We just want you to get better.”, he heard the other whisper. He felt himself grow closer to tears and as soon as a quiet sob came from the older, he knew he was lost as tears once again began to make their way down his nowadays pale cheeks, trailing down sharp cheekbones and straight down to the floor from the prominent jaw. He made their strongest member cry. All he did was fuck up. Maybe he should quit before his unwanted hobby of hurting others got out of hand.

“I think we should wait for Seokwoo to come home before we eat.”, Taeyang felt the raspy-voiced rapper stroke his back where Youngbin’s hands were not pressing.

“Until then, why don’t you come here and we can talk about that one time at the amusement park where Youngkyun showed his true dolphin self?”, Sanghyuk suggested, patting the seat beside him. What had Taeyang done to deserve these people in his life?


	10. but i need you morning, night and day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: here's the second june update! not sure when the next update is, but there will be at least one in july~

Sitting down at the table never seemed to get easier for Taeyang, no matter what time of the day or how tired he was, it was always just as hard. It had him wondering if doing some calculus would be easier than having to sit in the never ending anxiety he was forced to face multiple times a day. He could not find an accurate answer.

“When is Seokwoo coming home?”   
“Don’t worry about that now. He’ll be home when his schedule is over.”

“Is there anything we can do to make you feel more comfortable?”, Jaeyoon asked him with a slight smile. 

“Can you sit beside me?”

“Boo, you don’t even have to ask!”

Taeyang felt ashamed for saying it, but he would say he felt more comfortable in Jaeyoon’s company rather than Seokwoo when it came to having to eat. It had nothing to do with how he felt about his boyfriend in general, hell, he probably could not go a day without him, but he was a little too pushy. If Taeyang had to eat he would need someone as supportive as Jaeyoon in his surroundings. At least it became a little easier to break his own morals then. 

“So what plans do we have for tomorrow?”, Juho started the dinner conversation.

“We have to get started on another choreography from a side track of the album. Not making any promises but it sounds like it’s leaning towards Still My Lady.”

“Now that you’ve said it, I’m going to blame you if it isn’t.”

“Wow, Sanghyuk. Very fair of you.”

“Fairing is caring.”

The whole table looked at Sanghyuk before bursting out laughing. In that moment, Taeyang wanted nothing to change. He would be willing to eat a little any day if this was the atmosphere he would find himself in. What would he be without his group members?

 

Taeyang was woken up when Seokwoo came home. After dinner, which turned out not to be as problematic as he assumed it would be, he felt awfully tired and threw himself on the bed. He had not expected himself to fall asleep but the moment his head his the pillow and his body was covered by his lovely blanket, he was out like the light when the power goes out. He could tell Seokwoo did not want to wake him, as every movement was careful and calculated.

“You’re back.”, Taeyang whispered groggily.

“Oh, sorry Sunshine, didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I’d pick you over sleep any day.”

He felt a hand stroke his hair before his covers were lifted, the action causing him to shiver from the cold air hitting the little skin he had not covered with clothes. Soon enough a body was pressed up against his own, an arm wrapping around his waist to pull him close to the bigger frame in front of him. 

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Big, soft hands stroke the dry skin around his hipbones. Taeyang felt a little ashamed to have someone touch that specific place, or his skin in general, as his skin had grown awfully dry as of lately. It was strange, he always made sure to drink enough water and also consumed a fair share of tea which was said to have good impact on your body. The amount of skin lotion he put on also did not help, especially not if he did not apply new lotion every time a layer dried. 

“How did today work out?”

“It was alright.”

“No fights?”

“No...it was quite easy actually.”

“That’s great. I’m proud of you, you know?”

His eyes were tearing, but it had nothing to do with him believing the words spoken to him. He was a terrible human being for lying so much. How could he ever tell Seokwoo about...well...everything? Seokwoo had such little knowledge in comparison to what was going on inside Taeyang’s head. He did not know about his relationship to Mr. Byun. He did not know of the diet pills. In fact, he did not appear to know of his purging at all. Sure, he had caught Taeyang in quite horrific situations and positions, but he had not said anything about it, so he most likely had no clue. 

“Babe?”

“Yes, Taeyang?”

“I have a headache.”

There were a few moments where nothing happened.

“I’ll go get a painkiller. Wait here.”

“No, I can get it my-”

“No.”

Despite still having Seokwoo’s body close to his own, he felt a sudden coldness down his entire body.

“You’re tired and have worked all day, I’ll just get one and come back.”

“Isn’t t-that exactly what you thought that o-other time?”

Fuck. Taeyang had almost forgotten about that himself. 

“I promise-”

“Let me go get it. I’ll be right back.”

As soon as Taeyang heard the door close, he sat up and leaned over to his bedside table, opening the drawer and messing up everything inside in search of the pills he knew he had. He could not remember using them all, and there should be a layer left, but he could not find anything. Frowning, he picked up his phone and turned on the flashlight for a better view but could now guarantee there were no diet pills in there. The drawer contained everything, there were packages of condoms, a watch, chapstick, keychains and what not. So why were there no diet pills? Where the hell had they gone? If someone had found them, he would be majorly screwed. 

“What are you looking for?”

He flinched back, surprised at how quickly Seokwoo came back, now hovering above him with a glass of water and one pill, as he had said. 

“Eh, it’s nothing! Just...it’s a mess.”

“Your mind is a strange place.”

“Maybe. Strangely enough it all makes perfect sense to me.”

 

Despite having his group members around, he felt unsettled to be in the same room as Mr. Byun. He went from being what Taeyang felt he needed to someone he wanted out of his life. But he needed all the tips and tricks. If Mr. Byun only could stop slapping him, or touching him for that matter. He hoped his fellow members would not notice how obviously Mr. Byun was staring at him. They did not have to know about their little talks, no matter if Taeyang got hit or not. It would do them no good.

“Taeyang, you’re slacking!”

“Sorry, I’ll try harder.”

They had gotten to see the entire routine already, but worked on different parts, not in the order it was supposed to be. Currently, they rehearsed the last chorus, where Seokwoo and Taeyang were face to face, doing the same movements but mirrored to each other.

“Look at Seokwoo and mirror what body part he moves when if it’s hard. Let’s go again.”

He was ashamed. He was the main dancer, his eight friends always praising him when they were on TV, yet he could not perform the routine correctly. He thought he did, but if it was so easy to point out his mistakes, then he must be wrong. His eyes left the floor when he heard Seokwoo whisper for his attention.

“Honey, you’re doing it right. Prove him wrong.”

His chest pulsed when he chuckled, kissing the inside of his hand and sending the kiss to Seokwoo who accepted it in fashion of his Japanese drama imitation. 

“Pay attention!”

The music blasted through the speakers again and this time Taeyang made sure to put his full focus on every single way his limbs moved. He was unmistakingly correct. 

“Chanhee, you’re doing great! You too, Youngkyun! Only the slow maknae left then. Taeyang keep up, you’re doing it wrong.”

“I’m sor-”

“He wasn’t wrong at all.”

“Excuse me?”

Everyone faced Seokwoo, only Taeyang with fear in his eyes. He hurried over to his boyfriend to make him shut his mouth, but the taller man was not having it. 

“I’m literally right in front of him and he did nothing wrong. If he did wrong, I must have been wrong too, but that you don’t comment on.”

“He’s the main dancer, he has to pick it up faster.”

The truth hurt, tears stinging his eyes. He was not sure when he had gotten so weak mentally, he cried multiple times every day it seemed. He really needed someone as truthful as Mr. Byun in his life. As much as he loved his group mates, they would never be completely honest with him. 

“He already knows the dance. I don’t see why you keep telling him he’s wrong.”

“Sanghyuk-hyung, please don’t-”

“No, Taeyang. Stop taking all this bullshit. This is not even the first time either.”

“I’ll go get your manager and report misbehaviour.”

Taeyang saw Youngbin scoff. 

“Do so.”

“And tell him I said hi.”, Sanghyuk shouted at the choreographer as he left the practice room.

“Are you okay?”

He did not bother trying to look up, already feeling salty drops drip down his cheeks as he let his forehead hit Seokwoo’s chest, arms hugging himself around the middle. Strong arms embraced him a second later, Taeyang letting Seokwoo’s comforting scent enter his system. 

“No, sunshine, don’t cry!”

He knew the rest of the group were crowding them but he did not feel claustrophobic, as he usually did. Having them around was more than enough.

“We’ll go against him together, yeah?”, Juho said, Taeyang assuming the hand patting his head belonged to the 96-liner who’s chest he wasn’t buried in.

“This is not okay. None of this is okay. I don’t care what he says, I’ll report that fucker to the CEO. There’s no way he can believe him over his own artists. I sure hope he does.”

“Guys, where did Jaeyoon and Inseong go?”

Taeyang pulled away enough to see how two thirds of the three oldest were absent.

“I swear, they were here just now.”

“Guys, I think Jaeyoon muttered something about ‘killing mister choreographer’, and Inseong just held the door for him...”, Youngkyun said softly, where he stood pale in the middle of the room, making his way to the oldest of the maknae-line along with Chanhee.

“Oh shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got questions or want to talk to me? feel free to comment here, or you can anonymously send me messages on curious cat! (curiouscat.me/taemarkly). don't be afraid to criticize either, i'm thick-skinned haha.  
> we can also be mutuals on twitter if you'd like! (twitter.com/taemarkly)


	11. it's getting hard to fake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: okay so today is actually the one year anniversary of this story! the amount of chapters say a lot about how poorly i've treated this story and i apologize and will put more heart into this ^^ 
> 
> here's the goal: i wish to finish this before 2019, because there's a new project i want to start then [which will be a nct and sf9 crossover!]

“Jaeyoon! Inseong!”

Youngbin was out of the practice room as soon as Youngkyun had explained where the fellow hyung-line had gone.

“Taeyang-hyung, don’t cry!”

Chanhee was hugging the main dancer’s arm, looking up at him with his big eyes. 

“I’m so sorry.”, Taeyang choked out between tears and hitched breathing.

“Don’t apologize. Come here.”, Sanghyuk pulled him into a hug. Taeyang might be a few centimeter taller but nothing about the two was awkward. Might have been because Sanghyuk was on his toes. “We’re always behind you.”

“Which is also why we need to know exactly what he has done.”, Juho’s voice said. 

But Taeyang refused to speak up. 

“Sunny?”

“N-nothing. Nothing else but what you’ve seen.”

“That’s bullshit.”

He turned out of the crock of Sanghyuk’s neck to see Jaeyoon enter the door, an unfamiliar look on his usually calm and collected features. He looked downright furious, a look Taeyang had never once seen before.

“It’s true.”

“Oh yeah? Then where did you get the diet pills?”

It felt as if all air was knocked out of his lungs and for a few seconds he doubted his ability to breathe. 

“Jaeyoon, you’re making it worse.”, Seokwoo stepped up for him, walking up to their Busan member. 

“No, do you know what makes it worse? Overlooking everything he’s doing to himself just because you don’t want to face it!”

“I never did! I have always been supportive and out to help with everything!”

“That’s the problem! You don’t understand what it’s like and what you’re doing is having opposite effect!”

“What would you know?”

Jaeyoon flinched back, jaw tense. 

“Yeah. What would I know?”

He was about to once again walk out of the door, when Inseong took a hold of his arm. 

“Babe, stay. Let’s solve this.”

“Let me go.”

The hostility in his voice was shocking to them all. He was known as the honey voice of SF9, all members unknown that the same honey voice could sound so dangerous. And towards Inseong of all people, Inseong who had been dating Jaeyoon since who knows when. Inseong who was the member Jaeyoon was the most gentle with. It was truly shocking.

“J-jaeyoon.”

When he turned around, his eyes were already red-rimmed but no tears having fallen. Seokwoo could see Inseong about to pull him into his embrace when Jaeyoon pushed him away and walked straight out of the door, leaving Inseong with outstretched arms. Seokwoo watched as the arms fell to his side slowly.

“Guys.”, Youngbin entered, a manager at his heel. Taeyang felt depressed looking at his face. Never had he seen the leader look so done. “I told the manager shortly what happened and he went to talk to the CEO. I have not seen Mr. Byun though.”

“What do you mean you haven’t seen him?”, Seokwoo walked closer to their leader, Taeyang feeling more than safe to stay with Sanghyuk. 

“When I found Inseong and Jaeyoon, he had gone somewhere else I suppose.”

“Inseong?”, Juho asked as he lay a hand on their oldest member’s shoulder. 

“I need to talk to Jaeyoon.”

“Inseong, we just-”

“I’ve never seen him mad before, I need to talk to him.”

“Listen. Manager should come soon, so we need to be gathered. We’ll have to make up a lie and tell a white little lie as to why Jaeyoon is not here.”

“Youngbin, please. Let me go look for him. Make up a lie for me too. Fuck, blame it all on me, I don’t care, just let me go look for him.”

Taeyang held his breath. To himself, it was obvious he was the reason Inseong and Jaeyoon were...not fighting but not on good terms. He knew it.

“I can go look for him.”

“No.”, Sanghyuk held onto him tighter. “You won’t. We need you here when the manager comes. It’s better if we send Inseong. He understands Jaeyoon in ways no one else does.”

 

“How long has this been going on for?”

“I-it’s quite recent.”

“A few months I’d say.”, Seokwoo said, Taeyang assuming he knew more than he had let on. He hoped he only remembered Mr. Byun pushing Taeyang to do his best. No one had questioned the diet pills Jaeyoon so nicely had shouted out. Hopefully no one caught that, hopefully they were too caught up in how angry Jaeyoon was. 

“What has he done to you?”

“He just tells me to work harder.”

“Which translates to disencouraging even when Taeyang is correct in everything he’s doing.”

“Stop telling lies! If I say it’s nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Well, clearly your judgement is shitty, not only in this situation.”

It stung. It really did. It almost felt like being outed but with his “mental problems” instead of sexuality. But he could not blame Seokwoo, for he had nothing said. He had not worded out what he meant.

“If it continues like this, I might have to take Taeyang out for an interview myself, the two of us solving it instead of having you all around.”

“But manager, the problem is that he’s lying. He keeps protecting that...man for no good reason.”

“Where is said man now?”

“No idea. Jaeyoon ran and looked for him followed by Inseong but then I went to get a manager and didn’t see him anywhere. Judging by Jaeyoon’s reaction, he might have ran into him.”

“Then I need to converse with Jaeyoon and Inseong too. Where are they?”

“Honestly? No idea.”

Taeyang felt awful for putting Youngbin in such situation where his ability to be a leader was criticized. He wanted nothing but to scream out what a fantastic leader Youngbin was, but he could not get his mouth to open. As if he was mute, he sat in silence, not bothering listening to the others. If only he could have been better. If only he was not such a bother. If only he could do something right for once.

“We can’t have it like this. Taeyang. Come with me. We’ll have a talk outside.”

 

He hugged himself, hand rubbing his arm in comfort. He was not freezing, no, but he kept getting hot and cold flashes. What had he gotten himself into? He needed to think. Think and plan what to say, as if having learned a script. His group members already knew more than he would like for them to, hell, Jaeyoon had shouted out about his diet pills, the pills he somehow managed to lose. On the other hand he had no idea when the last time he took them was. It was before he was hospitalized, but when could Jaeyoon possibly have found them?  **_How_ ** could he find them, if he was not snooping around in Taeyang’s stuff? Why had he been doing that?

“How about you tell me your take on the story?”

“I’m not sure where to start.”

“Okay, let me question you then. How is Mr. Byun treating you?”

It was now or never. If he said one thing wrong, everything he has worked for could come crashing down. He had not put himself through this torture for nothing. He had not put himself through some of the worst weeks of his life to have it taken away from him.

“He doesn’t treat me any differently than the others.”

The group’s manager narrowed his eyes.

“Taeyang, Youngbin came to me in distress over this.”

“He was just upset Jaeyoon left because Jaeyoon doesn’t like Mr. Byun.”

“Has Jaeyoon said so himself?”

“...No, but you can tell from his disgusted glances.”

It was not untrue. Jaeyoon was not one to utter his negative opinion unless he could see a change in what he wanted to complain about. The whole situation outed him in that, Jaeyoon had snapped.

“I need you to be completely honest. If Mr. Byun is not treating you right, then we can have him fired and get a new choreographer. No problem.”

It did not sound uninviting, but it was scary. What would a new choreographer do to Taeyang? Would he be as brutally honest or would he shrug it off? Would he give Taeyang tips on how to lose weight?

“We don’t need a new one. Mr. Byun is fine.”

“Mr. Byun is not fucking fine. I can’t believe you can sit and lie like this.”

Taeyang was sure he had never once before turned his head as dramatically. But the voice had made his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. No. This was not happening. He almost got the group out of trouble, but to no avail. He was not getting out of it this time.

“Jaeyoon…”

Never had Taeyang ever seen the older so outraged before. It was truly terrifying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: a short but tense little chapter! i'm going away for a few days but hopefully i'll be able to write something that can be up before august starts c: 
> 
> got questions or want to talk? write here, on twitter (twitter.com/taemarkly) or anonymously on curious cat (curiouscat.me/taemarkly)


	12. she's got her secrets, yeah, i got mine too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's really sad but we're getting closer and closer to the end now :c 
> 
> ALSO ALL THESE TEASERS, I'M AT A LACK OF WORDS.

“Do you have something to contribute with, Jaeyoon?”

“Oh, do I?”, Jaeyoon chuckled unamusedly. 

“Care to share?”

Taeyang felt the heavy gaze of the Busan native. “It’s either you or me, Taeyang-ah. You choose.”

“Hyung, please…”, Taeyang whispered. The older was being unfair. 

“I only want you to get better.”

“I won’t force you to answer all questions. Ask Jaeyoon. We’ve already had a similar conversation.”, the manager spoke up, breaking the growing argument to pieces. 

“What...What conversation?”

“Remember our old vocal coach?”, Jaeyoon mumbled, gaze shifting from being tense to soft in an instant.

“The one with the broad shoulders and muscular arms?”, Taeyang questioned. That man had been massive. 

“Yes. Him.”

“What did he do?”

“He...you know. He treated me quite badly.”

“But he loved you?”

Jaeyoon chuckled once again, just as humorlessly as before. His glossy eyes made Taeyang feel guilty for reasons he had no idea of. 

“Should I get Inseong and Seokwoo and let you talk?”

Jaeyoon nodded.

“I’ll be in my office, come to me with your final statement and decision. I’ll send  the others home.”

 

It took few minutes for both Inseong and Seokwoo to appear in their area, Seokwoo taking a seat on the bench beside Taeyang, immediately checking up on his younger boyfriend, but Taeyang had his full attention on the scene before his eyes. Inseong had not hesitated to embrace his lover, despite what Jaeyoon had done earlier that day. 

“Shh...Don’t apologize. Babe, no. Stop that. Listen to yourself.”, he could hear Inseong mumble to Jaeyoon, who’s voice was drowned out by their oldest member’s chest, as Inseong’s arm was wrapped tightly around Jaeyoon’s shoulders, making Jaeyoon press his entire face into the welcoming chest.

“Jaeyoon-hyung.”, Taeyang called for him. “I’m sorry.”

“What is going on?”, Seokwoo asked the main dancer. 

“I fucked up.”

Inseong let go of Jaeyoon to guide him onto the bench the other two were sat on, placing himself in front of Jaeyoon, between his legs. He let his hands frame a wet face.

“Honey. Nothing will happen if you tell. I’ll be here all along. You’ll be okay.”

Jaeyoon got no words out but gripped Inseong’s face to lean their foreheads together. Inseong took the initiative to angle his face enough to peck Jaeyoon’s lips. 

“It’s alright. Take your time. I’ve got you.”

 

For the sake of Jaeyoon’s well-being, they went back to the now empty practice room. 

“So, what about the vocal coach?”. Taeyang took notice of how the oldest couple had their fingers intertwined. If the situation would have been different, he would have cooed at them over how sickenly sweet the action should have been. Instead it gave him a bad gut feeling. He still decided to mirror it, and grabbed Seokwoo’s hand tightly. 

“Don’t worry, hyung. Take all the time you need.”, Seokwoo ensured their dimply member. 

“Our previous vocal coach told me he would help me become idol material in every definition possible, to which I was excited. He was going to teach me the best vocal techniques. How to be stable when dancing. What to say when on interviews. Everything. And at first he was really nice but then he started doing other stuff. He’d touch my face and call me pretty, grab me by my waist and rest his hands there. Stroke my hair and lean in close enough for us to breathe the same air.”

“You don’t have to continue.”, Taeyang choked out. It was not very detailed, but he could see every scene clearly in his head. It was digusting, it made his stomach churn. Mr. Byun had never done that, but somehow both him and the old vocal coach were as sickening. These were grown men doing their all to ruin younger people’s lives. 

“He would start commenting on how I was the heaviest member, clarifying how I’d get no love if I was this...fat-”

“-But you’re not fat!”, Seokwoo interrupted, not hiding his dissatisfaction with the treatment his happy hyung had gotten. 

“I know, sort of. But I didn’t think twice back then. He gave me tips on how to lose weight and at first I just cut down on everything I ate. But I snapped and started to binge eat instead. When I told him, the first thing he did was give me diet pills. Then he took his time to explain in detail on how to...you know...how to make myself t-throw up.”

"Jaeyoon..."

Taeyang was at a loss of words. His strong hyung, their manly man of Busan. The guy who was their comic relief on bad days. And he had no idea.

"Who knows?", Taeyang whispered, voice cracking.

"The manager. The CEO. Youngbin, Inseong and Sanghyuk. Juho might have had a clue but I never talked to him about it."

"Why didn't you tell us?", Seokwoo's voice was almost as fragile as Taeyang's, it was painful to hear. 

"It's not a contagious behavior, but it's not...unharmful either."

"And I've been triggering you all along."

Taeyang got no direct answer, which spoke more than confirmation ever could.

"Don't worry about it."

"No! I've been triggering you all along because I've been acting bratty."

"That 'brattiness' is not something you can control. That's the thing with being sick, Taeyang. Besides, you had no idea."

Taeyang shook his head and stood up, ready to leave. It was all too much. 

"Sunshine-"

"Stop. Let me leave."

"No."

The voice of Inseong was terrifying in this context. The fact that he could go as low as almost growling did not make it better. The 93-liner in the room walked up to where Taeyang was now standing, grabbing his hands in his own and seeking eye contact. Taeyang decided to give it to him.

"This is difficult for us all. But I know Jaeyoon has been very hesitatant to tell you this. He has a motive with what he's saying, so please. Just listen. It might not make you less sick, but maybe it can give you a thinker."

"I'll think about everything said. I'll think very carefully about it."

Then he was out, leaving the other three alone.

 

He entered the dorm quietly, trying to make as little sound as possible. As much as he loved his fellow members, but he felt in no mood to talk to them in that moment. Now he was in need of some thinking time. 

As he closed the door to his and Seokwoo's shared room, he immediately made his way to the mirror. There was no logical reason for him to do it, but he did. He took his time to twist and turn in front of it, examining every body part carefully, growing more and more frustrated with every minute passing. 

"How about you find something you like instead?"

He jumped and turned around to see Sanghyuk leaning on the door frame. Upon catching the attention of the younger, Sanghyuk entered the room, walking up to the other man.

"What is there even to like?"

"That's what you're supposed to tell me."

Sanghyuk gripped Taeyang's shoulders to force the younger to stand straight in front of the mirror again.

"Instead of criticizing yourself, point out something you like. Just something. It doesn't have to be big or noticeable to anyone but you. _Just something_."

"There's nothing-"

"Take another careful look."

Sanghyuk lead him towards the full-length mirror again, positioning himself behind the main dancer, with his arm wrapped around his shoulder from behind, hand resting on the same shoulder his head peeked up from. 

"It can be your legs. Or your right ring finger. Hell, say it's a particular eyelash on the left eye if you want."

"I..."

He was about to go against it again when he saw Sanghyuk glare through the mirror.

"I-I like my eyes. Or no, maybe...maybe my smile."

"Know what? They compliment each other so well. When you smile truthfully, your eyes crinkle and give your smile that little extra shine. They strengthen each other. Don't be ashamed to compliment yourself. Love yourself. It's not being egotistic to point out something you like about yourself."

Taeyang turned around, throwing his arms around the slightly shorter guy, the hug not one-sided. He might be going through a rough time in that moment, but at least he had the best people to support him. Maybe increasing his intake a little, maybe a hundred calories a day, would be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fact: the dawon scene was written in 2017. wow, really dragged it out, did i not?
> 
> I find it funny how this chapter was very jaeyoon-focused and his teasers were released today? timing, yes.
> 
> questions or want to talk? write me a comment here, go to my twitter [twitter.com/taemarkly] or talk to me anonymously on curious cat [curiouscat.me/taemarkly]


	13. when we laughed, when we cried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for the lateness of this chapter
> 
> this is the last chapter. are you ready for this?
> 
> OHHH tip, i may have listened to loreen's "heal" while finishing this off. 100/10 recommend.

“You’re awfully happy today.”

“The sun is shining.”

“I can see that you’re shining, Taeyang-ah.”

Taeyang glared playfully at Juho who was smiling over the brim of his cup of tea. The rapper had taken a liking to drinking lavender tea in the mornings, and while everyone tried to convince him it would make him sleepy, he insisted the tea had an opposite effect on him. It made him calm, but not sleepy. Important difference.

“You know what I mean.”

The older shrugged but placed his cup on the table to push the chair beside him out. Taeyang took the place, one foot immediately going up to rest on the seat. It was a position he had taken a liking to, for reasons he had no idea of. 

“What are the plans for today?”

“Youngbin said yesterday that the manager had brought the story of Mr. Byun to the CEO so we will not be seeing him anymore. They haven’t found the perfect choreographer yet so if we still want to dance for a few hours, we will have to do all old routines until they find the right person to choreograph.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad.”

“It really doesn’t.”

“But I do feel like we’ve been slacking a lot lately.”

“I never slack, I’m always perfect.”

“You’re so full of yourself, hyung.”

“You should be too.”

Taeyang could not understand how every conversation could lead to target his insecurities, they could be talking about Narnia and all of a sudden Taeyang was the main focus of the story. More so, Taeyang’s eating habits were always of interest for some reason. 

“Sanghyuk said he pressed you to admit something you like about yourself yesterday.”

“Oh, he really did.”

“He also said he doesn’t feel sorry for it the slightest.”

“Yep, that sounds exactly like Sanghyuk.”

“He knows what he’s doing.”

“If anyone has known what to do all along, it must have been him.”

“And Jaeyoon.”

Taeyang’s head snapped to face Juho, eyes almost popping out of their sockets.

“Do you...know?”

“Know what?”

“About his...past?”

“I have an inkling. But as long as he’s doing well, I’m not about to have him under a flashlight in a dark room while snapping at him for his wrongs, you know?”

“That’s thoughtful.”   
“No, it’s human. People make decisions throughout their day, both stupid decisions and good ones. But at the end of the day, what matters should be intention.”

“Even for a murderer?”

“And here I thought I said something wise and you come and rain on my parade.”

“Your intention was good, right?”

“You’re a quick learner, sunshine. Take use of that for your recovery.”

 

He opened the door slowly, hoping it would not squeak as he peeked inside to see his lover still sleeping. It was rare for Seokwoo to sleep longer than Taeyang, and it made Taeyang feel guilty, as if he was the reason behind it. He had been a little difficult and now his boyfriend could not sleep properly or even care for himself as Taeyang had been his focus. 

Lying down on the bed, body halfway on top of his older boyfriend, Taeyang let his hand stroke the dark hair, slowly wandering down to stroke the soft skin. Taeyang remembered when his skin was as soft, and not dry. He missed it. He missed being able to go on dates with Seokwoo. He missed being able to dance and think of how to execute moves instead of how many calories he would burn. He missed following the direction his heart lead him rather than his head. He needed a change. 

“What are you doing?”

The raspy voice sent chills down his spine. 

“Tracing your face”

“For what reason?”

“You’re beautiful.”

Seokwoo tsk’ed all while managing a small smile. 

“Are you the one to tell me that?”

“Did I stutter?”

“No honey. You did not.”

“Good. Because you are the most beautiful person in the whole world.”

“What brought this on?”

Taeyang felt his smile drop second by second, until it had turned into a frown. 

“What do you mean?”

“This is not how we usually start our days, now is it?”

Taeyang leaned back to sit on the edge of the bed, already missing the warmth of the strong body he had under him a few seconds prior. 

“I just feel like I haven’t been appreciating you as much as I should.”

The look in Seokwoo’s eyes made Taeyang want to crawl into his own bed and hide under the covers until the ache in his chest disappeared. He did not deserve such gentle and warm gaze. 

“You don’t need to feel sorry about that. It wasn’t you who did it, it’s not your fault your disorder took control of your thoughts.”

“B-but...I should’ve...I don’t know.”

He really did not know what to say. It felt wrong to blame his entire behavioural on his mental state. That was not fair. 

“I will do everything to make it up to you.”

“Say that after breakfast.”

 

“You did fantastic, sunshine.”

Breakfast had not been too disastrous, Taeyang had managed to get by without causing a fight all while making sure the atmosphere was not tense. Eating was not his favorite thing in the entire world, but eating in a tense atmosphere was even worse. He did not want his problems to be a disturbance to the people he loved. But he still had to get to that damn therapy session. Worst part was - Seokwoo was not allowed to come, as on request by the therapist himself. Upon hearing those news, Taeyang was sure he disliked Dr Shin a little more. 

 

“It’s been a few days now. How have you been doing?”

“Great.”

“What is your idea of great?”

“My idea of great is that it’s been great.”

“Let’s get there slowly. Have you eaten the amount I told your fellow member who came with last time? Seongwoo was it?”

“Seokwoo.”

“Seokwoo. Right. But answer the question.”

“Yes, I’ve eaten correctly.”

“So if I were to weigh you now, I wouldn’t see the same numbers or even lower than last time?”

“Yes.”

Taeyang started to take off his heavier clothes when the therapist reached out to stop him.

“I believe you. For this to work, we have to trust each other, and if it means I will have to start trusting you before you trust me, then so be it.”

“What if I’m lying?”

“Think about it, Taeyang. If you choose to lie about you progress, who will it hurt in the long run? Of course, I will be disappointed to find out my work was for nothing, but I won’t be the one put in a facility with no freedom whatsoever where you either recover or, quite bluntly, die. Visiting hours are very limited and if you’re lucky you could see your friends and family a couple of times a month. In the end, going against me and lying to me will only harm you. I’d rather have you be honest and tell me that no, you did not eat enough all days but you’ve tried, or no, i have not even tried. That way we can work together, as a team, to help you the way you feel the best.”

To say he left the therapy session teary-eyed would be an understatement.

 

Taeyang knocked on the door of Jaeyoon and Inseong’s room.

“Yeah?”, came from the inside. 

“I wanted to apologize.”

There was a short moment of silence before the door opened slowly, Jaeyoon’s make-up free face coming into his vision.

“For what?”

“For leaving you all in the room when you had opened up about your struggles.”

Jaeyoon opened the door wider, signaling for Taeyang to enter. It appeared that Jaeyoon was alone in the room. They sat down on his bed, Taeyang finding no courage to look at the older. 

“It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have reacted such way, it took you so long to open up and I just shot you down and acted like a fu-”

Hands came up to grasp his face, turning his head towards Jaeyoon. The older was smiling slightly. 

“So, continue talking. Don’t stop looking at me though.”

“I just...I paid you no respect.”

“Don’t be like that, sunshine.”

“No, but really. I just stopped thinking of how others feel because of putting myself in the focus.”

To Taeyang’s surprise, Jaeyoon just laughed.

“That’s the funny thing about being sick, isn’t it? For once you’re the center of your life and not everyone else. Sadly enough it’s for the worst reasons.”

“Hyung...I-I...I’m just thankful I have you with me.”

“Oh, don’t you go fall in love with me now! Seokwoo and Inseong would be mad!”

Taeyang did not try to fight the grin spreading on his lips.

“I love Seokwoo to the moon and back, and same for Inseong, but no matter how much I love them, they could never understand me like you do.”

 

“Why are we gathered in the living room?”

“Taeyang has something to tell you.”

The group’s full attention made Taeyang more nervous than it should have made him. 

“Go ahead Sunny, we’ll be listening intensely.”

“Sanghyuk, you’re making him even more nervous.”

“Sorry, Shark-boy, that was not my intention.”

“Guys.”

Youngbin using his leader-voice reminded Taeyang that it was no one but himself who had made the decision. It was all him. He felt fragile, but took hold on the situation to make the others realize how he felt.

“I-I have decided to stop with whatever habits I used to have.”

The look he received from his lover reminded him that he had not told him he made up his mind about his own situation.

“I haven’t been fair to you guys at all, and have been too focused on myself to keep up with all of you. I promise to try as much as I can but I will need your help.”

“We’ll be right here. We’re not leaving.”, Youngkyun said, voice determined. It amazed Taeyang how supportive the other two maknaes had been despite Taeyang keeping most of what he was going through in the shadow from them. He would have to sit them down one day and let them ask whatever they wanted. They deserved to know just as much as the older members, maybe he could prevent anything like this to happen to them. And it made him hopeful that he would never have to be there alone, Jaeyoon had his fair share of suffering too, and Taeyang was sure Jaeyoon would be up to help him all along. Not to mention Inseong and Seokwoo.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re proud of you, Taeyang. You may not have grown in size over this time but as a person it’s like you’ve skipped a few years.”

“Thank you leader-nim. I wouldn’t be here if it was not for all eight of you.”

 

“When did you decide to give recovery a shot?”

Taeyang turned in his and Seokwoo’s bed, facing the handsome bare-faced visual of SF9. Taeyang’s let his hand cup the side of the older’s face that was not pressed into the soft, white pillow beneath their heads.

“I just had a realization hit when with Dr Shin.”

“Oh, so you don’t strongly dislike him anymore?”

“...He’s quite alright I guess.”

“It was quite a shock to hear you came around this quickly. This sounds really mean but I was almost ready to wait for something terrible to happen before you would come around. I very much prefer it to go this way.”

“I’m glad I’m doing something right for once.”

“You were never really wrong, you just...had a very strange sense of what you thought was right.”

“How can you always find a way to support me?”

Seokwoo shrugged the best he could when lying sideways.

“I’m always looking for ways to help you out, you know?”

“I have noticed.”

A comfortable silence spread in the room as Taeyang felt himself snuggle closer and closer to the inviting warmth spreading from Seokwoo. 

“I’m so thankful you’re alive, Taeyang.”

“I wouldn’t be alive had it not been for you.”

“I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the entire world, but at the same time I can’t wait for the time when we’re older, when SF9 is over and we are able to start a new life together, the day we buy ourselves a home...I’m longing for it.”

“What happened to living in the present?”

“I can live in the present and still dream of the future, babe. I am capable of such multitasking.”

“Stan talent.”

“Oh, shut it you.”

“Make me.”

“Gladly.”

 

Taeyang was aware he was not healed. He was aware there was a long way ahead of him and there would most likely be a lot of fights. There would be days where being forced to eat would make him curse his group mates. There would be days where he would have to force himself to pretend not to be distressed over food for the sake of his group mates’ well-being. Most importantly, for all days he would have eight brothers who were ready to help him out with any problem he faced. Days he had no energy to fight anymore, he would do it for them. He felt like he owed it to them for putting up with him. 

And Dr Shin too of course. Had he not told him what he did, when he did, would Taeyang even be motivated to get better? Probably not. And now, nothing tasted as good as he expected recovery to do. Not even chocolate. Oh, how he had missed eating chocolate. He would have to drag Seokwoo out of the dorm to buy some. Hopefully Seokwoo would not lecture him about health and stuff. At this point, he was sure his request would make Seokwoo happy, and that was all he wanted. As long as Seokwoo was proud of him, Taeyang could do anything. May it so be recover from his own toxic thoughts. He would do it for Seokwoo. He would do it for Dr Shin. He would do it for SF9. But most importantly, he would do it for himself. Because he deserved to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been such an adventure, it was honestly supposed to be a one-shot but turned into 13 shorter chapters. i also have a draft of jaeyoon's story (THIS TIME A ONE-SHOT FOR REAL) that i have planned on releasing, but the real question is if someone would be interested in reading it? haha. 
> 
> i also want to thank every single reader, you guys have been my muse and honestly the reason i chose not to give this one up completely. if all of you had not been so supportive of me even if it has taken so long between updates sometimes, i would probably have deleted this already. SO THANK YOU <3


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